Wives versus Girlfriends
I listened, observed, and read countless opinions from women about Darius Jackson's comment toward his lovely girlfriend, KeKe Palmer in July, 2023. One of the most striking issues was the debate amongst women regarding the responsibility she has to him... as his girlfriend. In other words, whether or not he had the right to expect her to dress a certain way in public, though she is not his wife. As a woman who is now in her 50s, having been a girlfriend and a wife, and with two daughters, this argument was intriguing to me. ONE of my initial responses to Darius's tweet was, "My daughters better not have the mentality of wearing clothes to please their boyfriends; they wear what they want, and boyfriends do not get to dictate that point!" Boyfriends are not husbands and yes, it is different when you are married. The Red Flag here is the belief that there is no difference between the responsibilities of being a girlfriend versus those of a wife. I agree with the comments about Darius's tweet that mentioned, "She is not his wife," and it was presumptuous of him to believe that she needed to wear clothing pleasing to...him, not to mention sharing it with the world (that's another Red Flag blog in and of itself).

Personally, one of the reasons that I never wanted to cohabitate with a man was due to what I call my, "single-woman mentality." Or, the belief that cohabitation will cause me to perform "wifely-duties" before my time. I did not want that responsibility as a single woman, nor did I want to take care of a man. This was my thought process in my early 20s and 30 years later, I am glad that I had it and do pass it on to my own children. I used to get very confused with people who would enter my life back then, and want me to dress and look a certain way - for their pleasure. As a single woman, that was not an option that I gave to them, and would dismiss them quickly from my life. Too controlling - Red Flag! Once I was married, however, I understood that husbands and wives may have preferences for one another and they should respect them, which was different from my responsibilities while being single. If you are clueless about the Darius-KeKe situation, here is an article for your perusal from MSNBC in July, 2023: 
​www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/black-twitter-keke-palmer-boyfriend-body-shame-outfit-rcna93068

The topic, "Wives versus Girlfriends" is sensitive and personal, as it involves relationships and societal norms, and can vary greatly depending on the individuals involved. However, there are differences that may exist between wives versus girlfriends:

1. Legal Commitment: A wife is a partner in a legally recognized marriage, while a girlfriend is in a romantic relationship without a legal commitment. 
2. Emotional Commitment: Both wives and girlfriends can have deep emotional connections with their partners. However, marriage often signifies a higher level of commitment and dedication to the relationship.
3. Longevity and Stability: Marriages, in general, tend to be more stable and long-lasting compared to non-marital relationships. Some long-term relationships can be as committed as marriages.
4. Living Arrangements: In many cultures, marriage often leads to cohabitation, whereas girlfriends may or may not live with their partners.
5. Social Perception: Marriage is traditionally seen as a more serious and socially accepted form of commitment compared to being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
6. Expectations and Responsibilities: Marriage often comes with more defined societal expectations and responsibilities, such as shared finances, potential child-rearing, and decision-making as a unit. In a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, these expectations may be less predefined or formal.
7. Legal and Financial Implications: Marriage can have significant legal and financial implications, such as tax benefits, inheritance rights, and spousal support in case of divorce. These aspects are generally not present in girlfriend-boyfriend relationships.

Where are the Red Flags?
When reading the blogs, articles, and comments about the Darius-KeKe situation, the main Red Flag that I consistently read in comments was, "Being a wife is NO different than being a girlfriend." Yes, there IS a difference, but I am also aware that many women are content with being what I call a "forever girlfriend." However, this type of satisfaction in relationships can be a Red Flag for both parties in the relationship for various reasons, depending on the context and the individuals involved. A "forever girlfriend" refers to a situation where a woman is involved in a long-term, committed relationship with another who consistently avoids or resists the idea of getting married or taking the relationship to a more serious and formal level. There are some Red Flag concerns raised about this type of relationship dynamic such as,

1. Lack of Commitment: One of the primary concerns with being a forever girlfriend is the perceived lack of commitment from the partner who is resistant to marriage. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and uncertainty in the relationship.
2. Unbalanced Expectations: If one partner desires marriage or a more committed relationship, but the other partner is unwilling to provide that level of commitment, it can create an imbalance in the relationship, leading to frustration and disappointment.
3. Fear of Commitment: A partner who avoids marriage indefinitely might have deep-seated fears or commitment issues that can negatively impact the relationship's long-term stability.
4. Mismatched Goals: If the individuals in the relationship have different long-term goals, such as one partner wanting marriage and a family while the other does not, it can lead to significant conflicts and emotional distress.
5. Stagnation in the Relationship: The reluctance to move the relationship forward can lead to a sense of stagnation and prevent the couple from growing together or making important life decisions as a team.
6. Social Pressure and Acceptance: In some cultures and societies, being in a long-term unmarried relationship may carry social stigmas or lead to challenges related to acceptance from family, friends, or the broader community.
7. Legal and Financial Implications: Marriage often comes with legal protections and financial benefits that are not available to unmarried couples. Being a forever girlfriend could mean missing out on these advantages.
8. Emotional Toll: Staying in a forever girlfriend scenario while desiring a more committed relationship can take a toll on one's emotional well-being, leading to feelings of unfulfillment and unhappiness.

Is Being a Wife or Girlfriend Better?
I also saw this debate between women: "Being a girlfriend is better; no, being a wife is better." Ladies, you have your own opinions based on your experiences. Opinions and preferences vary and what one person values in a relationship might not be the same for someone else. Some women hold the stance that being a girlfriend is a better choice for them possibly due to:

1. Independence and Autonomy: Some women may prefer the independence and autonomy that comes with being a girlfriend. They might see marriage as potentially restricting their freedom and individuality.
2. Less Formality and Commitment Pressure: Being a girlfriend can feel less formal and less socially pressuring than being a wife. It may offer a more relaxed and flexible dynamic in the relationship.
3. Avoiding Societal Expectations: Marriage can come with certain societal expectations, such as traditional gender roles and responsibilities. Some women might prefer to avoid these expectations and focus on a more egalitarian relationship as girlfriends.
4. Less Legal and Financial Entanglement: Marriage often involves legal and financial commitments, which can be complicated and difficult to dissolve if the relationship doesn't work out. Some women may prefer to avoid these complexities by remaining girlfriends.
5. Fear of Divorce or Failed Marriages: Women who have witnessed or experienced difficult divorces or failed marriages may be hesitant to enter into the institution of marriage and prefer to maintain a long-term committed relationship without the legal formality.
6. Personal Beliefs and Values: Some women might have personal beliefs or cultural backgrounds that don't prioritize marriage or view it as a necessary step in a committed relationship.
7. Focus on Emotional Connection: For some women, the label of "girlfriend" might not be as important as the emotional connection and commitment they share with their partner. They may feel that their relationship is strong and meaningful regardless of marital status.
8. Negative Stereotypes about Marriage: Negative stereotypes or perceptions about marriage, such as loss of personal identity or diminished romance, could influence some women to prefer remaining as girlfriends.

With that said, I am a wife. It is a different responsibility and concern for my spouse than for a man that I dated or who was my boyfriend many years ago. There are advantages and benefits to being a wife over being a girlfriend. I have written about the business side of marriage versus being in-love with your spouse on this blog; however, I did not mention that I also see marriage as being advantageous in these areas as well:

1. Legal Protections and Rights: Marriage provides legal protections and rights that are not available to unmarried couples. These may include inheritance rights, tax benefits, access to healthcare, and spousal benefits.
2. Formal Commitment: Marriage is typically seen as a higher level of commitment compared to being a girlfriend. Some people may find security and reassurance in this formal commitment.
3. Shared Responsibilities: Marriage often involves shared responsibilities, both emotional and practical, which can lead to a stronger sense of partnership and teamwork.
4. Cultural and Religious Significance: For individuals with specific cultural or religious backgrounds, marriage can hold deep cultural or religious significance and be an important rite of passage.
5. Symbolic Bond: Marriage is often seen as a symbol of love, devotion, and lifelong commitment, which can be personally meaningful to some people.
6. Stability and Longevity: Statistics show that, on average, marriages tend to be more stable and longer-lasting compared to non-marital relationships. Married people are happier than single people over the course of their lifetime.

​
Ladies, To Conclude...
It's essential to remember that a successful and fulfilling relationship is not solely determined by marital status. Whether someone chooses to be a wife or remain a girlfriend, the most important factors are mutual love, respect, trust, communication, and compatibility between the partners. Each person's path to happiness and fulfillment in a relationship is unique, and it's crucial to respect and support the choices that individuals make based on their personal values and circumstances.

The dynamics of each relationship depend on the individuals involved and their personal choices. Some long-term unmarried relationships may mirror the commitment and stability of marriage, while some marriages may lack emotional depth and commitment. The labels themselves do not define the quality or depth of a relationship; it is the love, respect, and understanding between partners that truly matters.

Communicate openly and honestly in any relationship to understand each other's desires, goals, and expectations. If one partner wants a more committed relationship and the other partner is unwilling to meet those needs, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship and consider whether it is best to move forward together or go separate ways. Every individual deserves to be in a relationship where their needs for commitment, security, and happiness are respected and fulfilled.

Every person's perspective on relationships is influenced by their experiences, values, and individual preferences. What matters most is that both partners in a relationship are on the same page about their commitment level and the direction they want the relationship to take. Open and honest communication is crucial to understanding each other's feelings, expectations, and goals to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, whether as girlfriends or spouses. Compromise is key in relationships, pending the expectations established between couples. Most of all, keep your feelings about your relationship, OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA!

​Recovering from Red Flag Relationships
I hope that you are better able to identify red flags internally, as well as spotting them in your relationship after reading my last two blogs. Pay attention to red flags to avoid repeating the same cycles which cause toxic relationships. Recognize red flags and determine if your relationship is toxic. You have a duty to protect your mental and emotional health. You can avoid negative behaviors, lack of respect, and an unhealthy dynamics in your relationships which can cause serious emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical consequences. You deserve to be in a relationship that brings positivity and fulfillment into your life.

Recovering from red flag relationships can be a challenging process, believe me, I know. Whether you are the red flag in your relationship or your partner, it is possible to heal and move forward in a healthier way. It takes self-reflection, support, and commitment to personal growth. One of the greatest gifts that I gave to myself was learning how to love me. This experience included being alone for a very long time to understand myself which caused me to improve and upgrade my choices in relationships. My process was simple and it worked for me. You can tailor my suggestions to suit your beliefs, personality, and lifestyle. Here’s what I did to assist with my own journey:

Prayer
• I prayed over myself and my future marriage. I added everything that I wanted in a partner. I also wrote it all on paper and placed it inside of my bible. I actually went back and took the paper out of my bible and added, “And he must know how to cook.” Then, I put it back and never took it out again or thought about it. I decided that I would no longer worry about relationships. I let go.

Let Go
• I thought, when someone comes into my life, I will be healed. I am going to be happy. Letting go of hurt, pain, and other emotional baggage opens you up to possibilities instead of you being closed off to opportunities. When you are emotionally drained, exhausted, anxious, or sad due to past conflicts and negativity, you will put those feelings before new ones. Acknowledge and validate your emotions. Allow yourself to process the emotions you may be experiencing and give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship or the disappointment caused by the red flags. 

Be Open to Healthy Relationships
• As you heal and grow, be open to the possibility of healthy, supportive, and fulfilling relationships. Remember that not all relationships are the same, and with increased self-awareness, you can make more informed choices moving forward.

Establish Healthy Boundaries
• Reflect on the red flags you observed in past relationships and use this information to set clear and healthy boundaries for future relationships. Learn from your experiences and identify what you will not tolerate in a partner or relationship moving forward.

Learn from Your Experience
• Use the red flag relationship as an opportunity for growth and self-awareness. Reflect on what you have learned about yourself, your needs, and your boundaries. Identify any patterns or behaviors that may have contributed to the unhealthy relationship and work on improving them.

Focus on Self-Care 
• Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice mindfulness or relaxation techniques, exercise regularly, and ensure you are getting enough rest.

Take Your Time!
• Stop using other relationships to heal. All you are doing is masking your pain while padding more relationships problems onto an already broken person (you). This behavior is toxic. Do not rely on others to make you happy. Healing from a red flag relationship takes time, and it's okay to take things at your own pace. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the space and time needed to heal and move forward.

Seek Support from Loved Ones
• Reach out to friends, family, or a support network to talk about your experiences and feelings. Sharing your thoughts and emotions with others can provide validation, understanding, and perspective. I am a huge fan of sharing feeling, thoughts, and behaviors with trusted friends; however, they are not mental health professionals and do not have the skills to monitor your mental health or assist you in recovering. Still, many of you will rely on unskilled friendships and family members since therapy will require you to,

• Opening up about personal thoughts and emotions that can make you feel vulnerable and exposed. You may worry about being judged or not being able to handle the emotions that arise during therapy.
• Explore difficult emotions and challenging thought patterns. Some of you may be apprehensive about facing your issues and the potential changes that therapy could bring.
• To talk about painful experiences or that therapists will force you to "dig up" past traumas. Newsflash: We do not force anyone to talk but you should to heal. Therapy can help you process your emotions, work through unresolved issues, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

The Path to Recovery
Recovering from a red flag relationship is an ongoing process. You may have setbacks or difficult moments along the way. Be kind to yourself and remember that healing takes time. Focus on your growth and well-being, and with time and support, you can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future. Indicators to know that you are on the path to recovery include:

1. Improved self-awareness: You have gained a deeper understanding of your emotions, triggers, and past patterns of behavior. 
   
2. Emotional acceptance and regulation: You have learned to accept and process your emotions related to the red flag relationship. 
   
3. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries: You can identify when someone's behavior is crossing those boundaries and act to protect yourself.
   
4. Increased self-esteem and self-compassion: You no longer blame yourself for the problems in the previous relationship and have learned to treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
   
5. Openness to new relationships: You are more open to forming healthier connections with others.
   
6. Reduced impact of triggers: Reminders of the past have become less potent, and you can navigate them more effectively.
   
7. Less rumination about the past: You spend less time ruminating about the past and have shifted your focus more on the present and future.
   
8. Feeling content and at peace: You have a sense of contentment and peace with the decisions you've made and the progress you've achieved in your recovery.

You can be done with red flag relationships and move towards healthier, more fulfilling connections. Break free from red flag relationships and focus on building healthier relationships in the future. Remember that prioritizing your well-being and personal growth is a continuous journey.

Red Flags in Relationships
Although it did not take me a long time to identify "Red Flags in Relationships," it surely took me awhile to learn to walk away from them. I am no different than all of you, especially in my early 20s. You see, I had a boyfriend that I loved a lot and it took me a few years to cut him loose. He was a liar and a cheater. I took him back a few times because I believed in him more than I did myself. However, he pissed me off one final time and I was done. I did not look back. You know what that did for me? It allowed me to not only prove to myself that I could let love go, but that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for AND I learned to love me. 

After that moment, I fully grasped the ability to run away from negative relationships and I kept it. After reading this blog, I want you to get to the point where you can spot red flags, internalize them, and make the best decision for your life, and not the other person. To do this, hopefully you read Part I of this red flag blog series to understand yourself better. Now for this blog, lets first determine if you are the type of person in relationships who...

• Believes she is Florence Nightingale in relationships and needs to save a man?
  • I call this, "But, He's A Good Man Syndrome."
• Believe that you can fix a woman due to your financial status?
  • "Captain Save-Them-Tho."
• Enjoys constant drama/problems in relationships?
  • "Histrionic" and compensating for underlying emptiness.
• Fears intimacy and closeness?
  • "Keep love away from me at all costs."
• Sabotage relationships pushing people out?
  • In other words, "I am scared to get close in relationships."

Does one of them seem like you? I was Florence Nightingale in relationships and wore "helper" on my forehead, as do most individuals in the psychology field. This difference with me is, I took it off! Men aggravated me enough to the point where I was done with them for a long time! When I was ready to date again in my early 30s, I taught myself to observe, listen, wait/pause, and focus on myself. I also finished school and enjoyed being alone.

You will learn everything you need to know about your significant other if you are quiet and listen. After I learned this, if I spotted what I perceived as a red flag, (and I did), no matter how hard it was, I let the person go. I was true to myself before developing any emotions for another. Does it mean that you will be free of mistakes? Of course not because you are human. Understand that gathering evidence does not cause you to choose perfect relationships. However, t equips you to become more aware of what you will accept while getting to know someone. So the next when your radar goes off, it is much easier to accept someone as they present themselves and move on. if you encounter a red flag. Proper preparation!

Let's start by identifying some red flags in relationships. This is to maintain and protect your well-being and ensure your future healthy connections to others. Here are some common red flags to watch out for:

1. Lack of respect: If your partner consistently disrespects you, belittles you, or disregards your boundaries, it's a significant red flag. Respect is essential in a healthy relationship.
2. Controlling behavior: If your partner tries to control your actions, restrict your independence, isolates you from loved ones, or constantly monitors your activities, it indicates an unhealthy power dynamic.
3. Jealousy and possessiveness: Occasional jealousy is normal, but excessive and irrational jealousy can be a red flag. A partner who is overly possessive or constantly accuses you of infidelity without evidence may have trust issues or be attempting to manipulate and control you.
4. Lack of communication or emotional unavailability: Healthy relationships require open and honest communication. If your partner consistently avoids discussing important topics, dismisses your feelings, or is emotionally unavailable, it can lead to unresolved issues and a lack of intimacy.
5. Disrespectful or verbal, emotional, or physical abuse: Any form of disrespect, verbal or physical abuse, or controlling behavior should never be tolerated in a healthy relationship. These behaviors indicate a lack of respect, equality, and safety. Any form of abuse, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical, is a severe red flag. It's important to prioritize your safety and well-being. 
6. Dishonesty and deceit: Consistent lying, withholding information, or breaking trust erode the foundation of a healthy relationship. Trust is essential, and repeated dishonesty is a significant red flag.
7. Disregard for boundaries: Healthy relationships respect each other's boundaries. If your partner consistently ignores or dismisses your boundaries, whether they are physical, emotional, or personal, it's a sign of disrespect and potential coercion.
8. Lack of accountability: Partners who refuse to take responsibility for their actions, blame others, or fail to apologize and make amends when they have wronged you may not be capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.
9. Incompatible values or goals: It's important to be with a partner who shares similar values, beliefs, and goals. If you find that you and your partner have fundamental differences that are irreconcilable or if they consistently disregard or dismiss your values and goals, it can lead to ongoing conflicts and dissatisfaction.
10. Avoiding Intimacy: Intimacy often requires vulnerability and emotional openness. Some individuals may have a fear of being hurt, rejected, or judged, which leads them to avoid deep emotional connections. This fear can stem from past experiences of trauma, rejection, or abandonment. 

How To End Red Flag Relationships
Paying attention to red flags in relationships is essential for your well-being and the health of your relationship. Red flags are warning signs that indicate potential problems or unhealthy dynamics. Concluding red flags in relationships involves making a decision about whether to continue or end the relationship based on the presence of significant warning signs. Here's what you can do to help make the best decision for you:

1. Identify and assess the red flags: Make a list of the red flags or concerning behaviors you have observed in the relationship. Evaluate the severity and frequency of these behaviors and consider their impact on your well-being and the overall health of the relationship.
2. Reflect on your needs and boundaries: Take the time to reflect on your own needs, values, and boundaries in relationships. Consider whether the red flags align with your core values and if they violate your personal boundaries. Your well-being and emotional safety should be a priority.
3. Seek outside perspective and support: It can be helpful to seek input from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. They can offer an objective perspective and provide guidance based on their own experiences or expertise.
4. Communicate your concerns: If you feel comfortable and safe doing so, communicate your concerns and observations with your partner. Share how their behavior has affected you and discuss your boundaries and expectations for a healthy relationship. Their response and willingness to address the issues can provide further insight into the viability of the relationship.
5. Consider the potential for change: Assess whether the red flags are behaviors that can be addressed, improved, or changed through open communication, therapy, or professional help. It's important to consider whether your partner is genuinely willing to recognize and work on their problematic behaviors.
6. Prioritize your well-being: Ultimately, the decision to conclude the relationship depends on what is best for your well-being and happiness. If the red flags persist or if you feel unsafe, unfulfilled, or consistently disregarded, it may be necessary to end the relationship for your own emotional and physical safety.

Conclusion
Determining how to deal with red flags in relationships is a deeply personal decision, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being. No relationship is perfect, and people can exhibit occasional negative behaviors. However, if you consistently notice multiple red flags or a pattern of concerning behavior, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship and prioritize your well-being. Trust your instincts and DO NOT ignore red flags. You want peace in relationships...

Red Flag Relationship Series, Part I
Why Are You A Red Flag In Relationships?
Choosing the wrong person in relationships can happen for various reasons; however, problems occur when we do not learn from our mistakes and repeat the same cycle in relationships. If you find yourself encountering the same problems relationships, then you need to stop and think,

Is it me?

Or, is it always something wrong with everyone else? Answer: No, it is you. Your negative relationship patterns may be happening due to unresolved personal issues, communication and conflict resolution problems, low self-esteem and self-worth, lack of self-awareness and experience, pressure to conform to societal standards, using unhealthy emotional patterns, and not being emotional availability. If you fall into one of these categories, then YOU are a Red Flag in relationships. Lets explore why you are a red flag in your relationships:

• Unresolved Personal Issues:

We can be our biggest problem! We have our own unresolved issues, (i..e., past traumas, low self-esteem), which influence our relationships and keeps us cycling in the same unhealthy patterns. Then, we attract what we want to receive and get partners who reinforce familiar negative dynamics. If you're not fully aware of your own needs, values, and boundaries, it becomes difficult to choose a partner who aligns with them

• Communication and Conflict Resolution

Effective communication and conflict resolution skills are crucial for healthy relationships. If you struggle with expressing your needs, listening actively, or managing conflicts constructively, it can lead to misunderstandings, tension, and unhealthy dynamics

• Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Low self-esteem can have a significant impact on various aspects of your life, including relationships. It can influence the way you perceive yourself, your worth, and your abilities, which can, in turn, affect the choices you make in partners and the dynamics within your relationships. If you have low self-worth and struggle with feelings of inadequacy, it can affect your behavior and how you interact with others. It might lead to seeking validation or attention, being overly self-critical, or having difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries

• Lack of Self-Awareness and Experience

Developing self-awareness and understanding your own desires and deal-breakers can help you make better choices. You may still be figuring out what works for you and what does not which can take time and a few missteps to understand your preferences and make better choices in partners

• Pressure to Conform

Pressure from family and friends, can sometimes play a role in our partner choices. These influences may lead us to prioritize superficial qualities or overlook important compatibility factors

• Unhealthy Emotional Patterns

​Sometimes, we can be drawn to partners who replicate dynamics from past relationships, particularly if those dynamics were unhealthy. This can be due to subconscious familiarity or an attempt to "fix" or change the outcome of previous experiences

• Emotional Availability

Being emotionally available means being open to forming emotional connections, sharing vulnerabilities, and providing support to your partner. If you struggle with emotional intimacy or have difficulty expressing and recognizing emotions, it can create challenges in building and maintaining fulfilling relationships

I share this with my personal friends: "A relationship is only as healthy as the two people in it."

How To Stop Being a Red Flag in Relationships

Consider the following steps:

• Stay Single
  • Taking a break from relationships can positively impact your mental health. It's ok to be by yourself because it provides an opportunity for self-reflection and self-discovery
  • It allows you to focus on your own interests, goals, and values without the distractions or compromises that can come with a relationship. It grants you more time and energy to focus on self-care and well-being

 

• Self-reflection
  • Take time to reflect on your past relationships and identify any patterns or recurring issues. Understand your own needs, values, and goals in a relationship

 

• Work on self-improvement
  • Focus on personal growth, building self-esteem, and addressing any unresolved issues. This can involve therapy, self-help resources, or seeking support from trusted individuals

 

• Set clear boundaries
  • Establish and communicate your boundaries early on in a relationship. Learn to recognize and address red flags when they arise

 

• Take it slow
  • Avoid rushing into relationships and allow time to get to know potential partners before committing
  • Take the time to observe and learn your behavior patterns, values, and compatibility with others

 

• Seek support
  • Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate your relationship patterns and make healthier choices

No Relationship is Perfect
It's important to remember that no relationship is perfect, and people can exhibit occasional negative behaviors. However, if you consistently notice multiple red flags or a pattern of concerning behavior within yourself, it may be necessary to reassess your relationships and prioritize your well-being. 

Making mistakes in relationships is a part of the learning process. By understanding yourself better, working on personal growth, and seeking support when needed, you can decrease your red flag behavior and increase your chances of making more fulfilling and healthier choices in the future. It's important to remember that recognizing these aspects does not make you inherently flawed or unworthy of love. Flaws are a natural part of being human, and they don't define our inherent worth or value as individuals. Each person is unique, with their own strengths, weaknesses, and areas for growth.

It's important to embrace your imperfections and recognize that they don't diminish your worth. We all have room for personal growth, and acknowledging and working on our flaws is a part of that journey. Your worth and value are not determined by any perceived flaws or shortcomings, but rather by your inherent humanity and the way you treat yourself and others. Treat yourself better to improve your relationships!

Burning Passion
She said, "I'm torn between my man and my secret lover." I thought, this is going to be a deep question but instead, it was a deep paragraph,

"My man is my everything. He gives me exactly what I need, want, and desire. Then I met him; my secret lover. My world changed. It was instant attraction and mutual lust. He does something to me internally that my man does not do; it's like an internal flame that ignites, and I cannot let it extinguish. The feeling is too real. The chemistry is hot. I do love my man, but I am in-love with my secret lover. I cannot let either man go. My mental health is in jeopardy because I cannot continue on this way. What are your suggestions?"

Whew... right? I am no relationship expert or marriage and family therapy, but I can address the reasons that we may be in relationships with one person and lust over another. So, you say you love him, but why? Love is a profound and powerful emotion that brings joy, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose to our lives. It plays a significant role in fostering healthy relationships, promoting well-being, and enhancing our overall quality of life. It's easy to love someone who fulfills what I call, "business love." Love is a deeply personal and subjective experience that can evolve and grow over time based upon your needs. Take a look at the pyramid. It represents Abraham Maslow's 1943 hierarchy of needs theory which states that our actions are motivated by certain physiological and psychological needs that progress from basic to complex. Love/Belonging is the third level of this theory because we have the need for love, affection, and a sense of belonging. This includes establishing meaningful relationships, social connections, and feeling accepted by others. Love encompasses a wide range of feelings and can be directed towards different objects or individuals, including romantic partners. 

Business Love
For years, I've called the type of love characterized by the elements discussed in this paragraph, "Business Love." It includes the following characteristics: Emotional connection, care and support, acceptance and forgiveness, commitment, and intimacy and vulnerability. Let's explore each one starting with an emotional connection. This is a the part of love involving a deep emotional bond and connection with a partner that brings forth feelings of warmth, tenderness, and empathy. Care and genuine concern for the well-being and happiness of the loved one is next. It includes providing care, support, and understanding during both good times and challenging situations. Love must entail accepting the other person as they are, including their flaws and imperfections. It involves forgiveness and understanding, as well as the willingness to work through conflicts and differences. A long-term commitment is a part of love and dedication to develop a nurturing relationship. It includes a desire to invest time, effort, and energy into building a strong and lasting connection. Having a sense of emotional intimacy, where couples feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable with one another takes the relationship to a deeper level. 

"Business love" can obviously develop into a strong sense of passion, dedication, and commitment. It represents the deep satisfaction and fulfillment that couples can in their relationships. This kind of "love" for one's relationship can be also be characterized by enthusiasm, a sense of purpose, and a genuine enjoyment of the relationship. This builds positive and nurturing relationships based on trust, respect, mutual support and love. Ultimately, many individuals choose this type of love because it feels good and it's safe to them. However, what happens when you meet someone who, without trying, can turn your "business love" off and ignite a "lust love?" Then you you realize, "lust love" is missing from my relationships... uhh-ohh!

Lust Love
I call a love with a strong sexual desire or craving for someone, "Lust Love." It is primarily driven by physical and sexual attraction, often characterized by a focus on immediate gratification and pleasure. Lust tends to be more temporary and transient in nature, centered on the physical aspects of a relationship rather than emotional or deeper connection. 

Dear Torn One,
You have "lust love" for your secret lover.

I wish you had both "business love" and "lust love" with your man. Or, felt burning passion, intense romantic, and emotional feelings about him that signifies a strong and overwhelming connection, desire, lust, and attraction to him. If you had both types of loves, you would not need two men to satisfy your innate or overall needs. When someone has lust love for another, they may experience intense emotions such as love, infatuation, longing, and a deep attachment. These feelings can consume their thoughts and emotions, leading to a heightened sense of excitement, anticipation, and desire to be close to the person. A strong emotional and physical connection is also a part of this, as well as a deep understanding and compatibility. Your secret lover causes you to pursue a romantic relationship with him; however, are you willing to make a significant effort to nurture and maintain the connection with your man because you are passionate about him? I know your secret lover is exciting, exhilarating, and transformative but be careful because sustainable relationships require more than just initial passion. Yes, you can have a successful relationship built from lust love, but building a strong foundation of trust, shared values, and emotional compatibility is crucial for long-term relationship success. 

Lust love can be missing from business love which can be problematic, as we read from Torn One's paragraph and question. Note that business and lust love need to coexist and evolve into a healthy relationship. Initially, strong physical attraction or infatuation may be present in lust love, but as the relationship deepens and develops, it can transition into a more profound and lasting love that encompasses both types of love along with emotional and psychological aspects. However, you cannot focus solely on the physical and sexual aspects of a person. While lust may be the initial spark, find out if a deeper connection can form on a more comprehensive level with Secret Lover if you want him.

Mental Health
You are correct in that your mental health is in jeopardy. For one, this is not only about you. You have two other people involved with at least one of the two who may not be aware of your lust love for Secret Lover. Imagine how he will feel if and when he learns about it. Are you willing to loose him. Is that what you want? Or, is lust love more important to you? While I will always believe that a combination of the two works best in relationships, consider whether or not lust love is the missing link from your relationship that causes you to have a secret lover. Then, if lust love is void to the point where it makes you unhappy, then it may be best for you to make a decision to walk away from your man.

Only you know the right decision. Trust your instincts and listen to your own needs and desires. Approach this situation with a realistic mindset and understand that no relationship is perfect. Mental health plays an important role in maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. Both you and your man play a role in supporting each other's relationship and mental health. If you do decide to grow with your man, ensure that you do a few things within yourself to help sustain your relationship such as, 

• Prioritizing your own mental health and well-being
• Develop self-awareness by understanding your own emotions, triggers, and needs
• Be open and honest in communication for addressing mental health concerns within a relationship
• Increase mutual support and understanding
• Offer support and encouragement to each other during difficult times
• Seek help or therapy together if warranted
• Establish healthy boundaries within the relationship to protect your mental well-being
• Seek professional help when needed

Stereotypes
When I think back to my childhood, our local community center comes to mind. Sports programs were offered at this center which positively affected the social communication skills of black kids, and encouraged a wide-range of experiences and opportunities. For example, their programs helped to develop social interaction and social skills development, (i.e., teamwork, nonverbal communication, sportsmanship, team building, communication under pressure, conflict resolution, and empathy). Sports had a positive impact on black kids and many achieved greatness in their respective sports in high school and even college. The challenge is that many black kids also had a unique set of talents, interests, and potential in other aspects of life that were hidden by their interest in sports. Black kids were not limited to being athletes when I was a child, nor are they now. However, the problem is that society tends to support black athletes yet fails to recognize their diverse aspirations beyond sports.

Why Does This Happen?

It happens because of the overrepresentation of black athletes in certain sports, particularly in professional basketball and football. This visibility in sports media and popular culture can contribute to the perception that all black individuals excel primarily in athletics. Additionally, historical factors such as racial segregation and limited opportunities for black individuals in certain areas, including education and professional careers, may have contributed to a focus on sports as a means of social mobility and success. This, in turn, can reinforce the stereotype that black individuals are predominantly athletes.​ These perceptions, however, are not accurate representations of the diverse talents, interests, and abilities of black kids. Just like kids of any other race or ethnicity, black kids have a wide range of passions and skills that extend beyond sports.

Why are Black Kids Only Considered Exceptional as Athletes?
The notion that black kids are only considered exceptional as athletes can be influenced by a variety of factors, including historical patterns, cultural influences, limited exposure to diverse experiences and achievements, and representation in sports media. It is also the social construct that black athletes possess a physical and natural ability that allows them to overcome their perceived cognitive deficits by playing sports. That is called racism friends, compared to white kids who are seen as possessing a special knowledge or intellectual skillset (i.e., being witty or gifted), that allows for greater athleticism. Of course this, more than likely, derived from slavery. You may not want to hear this fact, but it is true. In other words, the fittest and strongest survived and passed athletic skills down throughout generations. I know, antiquated but,

Scientists had to justify it somehow because black athletes were not clever enough to use their intelligence to understand their chosen sport, right?

The notion of black kids only being exceptional as athletes continues today and here are a few reasons why this behavior persists:

• Representation in professional sports: Black athlete's achievements have garnered considerable attention and media coverage, reinforcing the perception that black kids are primarily exceptional in athletics. Get a backup plan!
• Socioeconomic factors: Limited access to quality education or fewer resources in certain communities, may influence the types of opportunities available to black kids. This creates barriers in areas other than athletics, potentially leading to a narrower focus on sports as a viable path for success
• Media portrayal: Media representation plays a significant role in shaping public perceptions. The media often highlights stories of black athletes' accomplishments, while other achievements in academics, arts, sciences, and various professional fields may receive less coverage. This can reinforce the idea that black kids can only excel primarily in athletics

How To Overcome This Stereotype
To teach black kids that their dreams matter, foster an environment that promotes inclusivity, provides support, and encourages all of their aspirations. Here are some ways to accomplish this:

• See Black Kids As Being More Than Athletes: Becoming a professional athlete can be a challenging and competitive journey that requires a combination of talent, dedication, hard work, perseverance, and a bit of luck. The likelihood of becoming a professional athlete is relatively low compared to the number of individuals who participate in sports at the youth and amateur levels. Black kids need to know this fact and learn how to pursue other career opportunities and not just athletics
• Representation and Role Models: Show diverse role models. Highlight and celebrate the accomplishments of successful black people, (including black athletes), across different careers and sports
• Mentorship and Guidance: Connect black kids with mentors who can provide guidance, advice, and support. Mentors can share their own experiences, offer encouragement, and help navigate the challenges that arise on the path to achieving their dreams
• Belief and Encouragement: Show unwavering belief in the potential and academic and cognitive abilities of black kids. Provide consistent positive reinforcement and constructive feedback can help build their confidence and self-belief to learn that there are opportunities. Promote a well-rounded approach that values both intellectual and athletic growth
• Empowerment and Advocacy: Empower black kids to advocate for themselves and others. Teach them about their rights, help them develop their voices, and encourage them to address any instances of discrimination or inequality they may encounter.

Black Kids Can Teach Us More Than Sports
Please do not to view black kids solely through the lens of athletics. Reducing black kids' identities or potential to a single aspect, such as their athletic ability, is unfair and limits their opportunities for growth and success in other areas. Black kids possess skills and talents needed in our society in academics, arts, sciences, entrepreneurship, leadership, and other academic opportunities. Promote a holistic approach to their development to help them realize their full potential and pursue their dreams in various areas of life. We can learn a lot from black kids by active listening, engaging in dialogue, and being open to learning to gain valuable insight and to broaden our understanding of their career aspirations and goals. Valuing and supporting black kids in all aspects of their lives helps to break down stereotypes, promotes inclusivity, and recognizes their talents and abilities beyond the realm of athletics. This approach fosters a more balanced and empowering environment that respects and appreciates their diverse strengths and aspirations.

Question: "Why Are Black Women So Mad?"
Just stop with the stereotypes. Black women are misunderstood. We are harmed by your biased and  distorted views about us. In this blog, I am going to challenge and debunk this stereotype to promote understanding, respect, and equality. 

I knew this question would come at some point. I mean, ask me because I speak for all Black women, correct? Seriously, I know you are asking because I am in the field of psychology and also a black woman. I get it. The cool thing about me is that you can ask me and I am going to tell you an answer. Yes, we do get mad but so do you. Some of you view black women's emotions differently than you do your own which is unfair and inaccurate. 

​Do not assume that all black women are mad or angry. Just like any other group of individuals, black women are diverse and have a wide range of emotions, experiences, and perspectives. Stereotypes about black women have been a central factor in our exhaustion. Have you ever walked into a room of people without anyone speaking to you? Then, you find out once they are comfortable that they did not initially say anything to you because,

"I thought you would be mean"
"I did not realize you were that intelligent"
"I was waiting on you to go off on someone"

Or, they speak to you in a stereotypical tone and dialect assuming that you speak in a specific type of language? My friends and I always respond, "We don't speak that way" and correct that behavior. Many of you assume that we are angry when most of us are just plain 'ole tired. Black women are subject to harmful stereotypes and objectification, which can affect our self-esteem and relationships. These stereotypes lead to dehumanization and dismissive attitudes causing emotional exhaustion.

​Emotional Exhaustion
The phrase "black women are tired" is often used metaphorically to express the cumulative exhaustion and emotional burden experienced by many black women as they navigate various intersecting forms of oppression and systemic inequalities. It highlights the unique challenges and burdens faced by black women and the toll it can take on their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Stereotypes about us do not help. It does not acknowledge our experiences. It does not validate our feelings. It does not dismantle the systems and structures that perpetuate these inequalities. In fact, it increases generalizations and stereotypes which causes added stress and fatigue. 

Early on in our lives, we learn to deal with intersecting forms of discrimination and marginalization based on race and gender. For example, imagine being 16-years-old and being told by black and white people, 

• "Life is hard for black women."
• "Get your education because no one can ever take that away from you"
• "People are going to assume when you walk in the door that you are ignorant, prove them wrong"

Think that is a lot of pressure for a young black girl? You are correct. Those conversations were ongoing throughout my life, including while I was earning my doctorate degree,

"I was hard on you because I never want anyone to question your clinical competency"

​For the record... no one has questioned it...

​The white professors who trained me predicted what I would go through within my career. They understood long before I knew, and prepared me well to face adversity. To add, for longer than 16 years at the time when I graduated, I was reminded of why the world would mistreat me due to being a black woman. 

The mistreatment of black women is rooted in complex historical, social, and systemic factors that have perpetuated racism, sexism, and various forms of discrimination. It is important to recognize that the mistreatment of black women is not universal or experienced by all black women, but it does occur in various contexts and can have significant consequences. 
​
Want to ask me again why I may not always smile? Or, why some black women wear a poker-face to work? It's because we have to and you need to stop stereotyping us for it. Ask a black women her story. When you do and hear about her experiences, I guarantee you will frown too. It does not mean a negative past or current life, but one fueled with constant reminders that we are black and women. Given everything that we go through, being a black woman should be treasured but instead, our efforts can be invisible within OUR society.

You all get on our nerves! 
We feel as if we always have to work harder than everyone else. You will not win an argument with me on this one. This is ALWAYS the case. No wonder we frown sometimes. On top of it all, we encounter racism and discrimination in a variety of aspects within our lives including education, employment, healthcare, and the criminal justice system. We often bear the burden of emotional labor, which includes managing and navigating racialized and gendered expectations, biases, and microaggressions. Oh so many microaggressions. The additional responsibility of educating and advocating for ourselves can be emotionally taxing. Many black women often assume multiple caregiving roles within our families and communities and we get limited support and recognition for our efforts. Often we are undervalued, underrecognized, and overlooked.

Some avoid admitting that systemic racism exists or they ignore it. It does not just happen in corporations, but in other areas (i.e., exams, schools, and politics). Acknowledge that systemic racism, discrimination, and social inequalities have historically and continue to disproportionately affect black women. These factors can contribute to frustration, anger, and a sense of injustice. The sad part is that many of you are aware of racial injustices toward black women, yet you support it by being silent.
​
Similar to a vast majority of black women, I too, have been the victim of systemic racism multiple times. I still experience it and some of it will remain with me for the rest of my life. A former employer of mine told me,

"I've never hired a black person before, I don't know what to do with you"

Yes, I am serious. I did not slap her. I wanted to, but kept my composure. You see, some claim to want to diversify in their companies, but put in zero support systems to help once they hire black women. Instead, they default to the victim role as this women did and of course I resigned. #screwher 

This type of behavior is not fair toward Black women. We face societal expectations that place a heavy burden on us to fulfill various roles and responsibilities which can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Though some may try, we cannot erase American history. Historically, slavery, colonialism, and ongoing systemic racism has had a lasting impact on the mistreatment of black women. It has contributed to the perpetuation of stereotypes, economic inequalities, limited access to resources and opportunities, and unequal treatment within various institutions. As a result, black women can face limited access to resources, including emotional support, healthcare, and financial stability. The absence of adequate support systems can place additional strain on our well-being. 

Questions
Now replace, "Why are black women so angry" with "How may I help you today? A little 4-year-old said to me at the right time,

"What can I do to help you?"

Which made my eyes water. Simple acts of kindness not only help us, but help you as well. Even if that person does not show you gratitude, you will feel better knowing that you offered to help. We need to keep having these conversations about race, gender, and emotions with empathy and an understanding that each person's experiences and emotions are unique. Engaging in open and respectful dialogue can help foster understanding and address issues related to social injustice, inequality, and systemic biases.

Do You Pretend That You Are A Psychologist?
Dr. Google says that you are a Psychologist since you obtained your doctorate from Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, or Reddit. Are you trained to identify signs of feigned symptoms and employ standardized assessment tools to differentiate genuine mental health conditions? If not, then STOP diagnosing other people! If you are not an expert, then you should stay away from incomplete and unreliable information based upon your judgments. Mental health conditions are complex, and symptoms can vary widely among individuals. Refrain from looking at another person and stereotyping them based upon your lack of expertise. For example,

• "He's a narcissist"
• "He's on the spectrum"
• "She's borderline"
• "She's so depressed"

Psuedo-Diagnosis
Layman, or those untrained in psychology, believe that they can diagnose others based upon what they see or hypothesize to be true. Stop it! Even if you use online sources, the majority of those websites do not have articles based upon the expertise of qualified mental health professionals who specialize in diagnosing and treating psychiatric conditions. Diagnosing requires a comprehensive assessment, and considering various factors and nuances that cannot be accurately captured by a simple online search. If you are a relying on Dr. Google, I suggest you learn how this may be harmful to you. Most of all, your assumptions are not valid about psychiatric conditions and your actions can result in the following:

1. Misinterpretation of symptoms: Without proper training, it can be challenging to interpret and understand the significance of symptoms accurately. 
2. Confirmation bias: When searching for health-related information online, individuals may be susceptible to confirmation bias, where they actively seek out information that confirms their preconceived notions or fears. 
3. Anxiety and unnecessary worry: Attempting to self-diagnose from online sources can often lead to unnecessary anxiety, worry, or even hypochondria. The information found online may not provide the proper context or understanding of the condition, potentially causing unnecessary distress.
4. Risk of overlooking other conditions: Focusing on a single diagnosis found online may cause individuals to overlook other potential conditions or factors contributing to their symptoms. 

Stereotypes of Individuals with Autism
Even if you have experience in diagnosing mental health conditions, or have a diagnosis yourself, you still may not be an expert in the field of psychology. On behalf of all experts in the field of psychology, STOP referring to people in stereotypical language just because you think you know what is going on with them. Our field is not simple to learn and your stereotypes about others' mental health conditions are annoying. For example, some members of The Grand Old Party (GOP) are stereotyping Ron DeSantis based upon their perception of his behaviors with phrases such as,

• "He's a bit on the spectrum"
• "DeSpectrum"
• "Unlike that guy on the spectrum"

The above quotes were adapted from Politico, Editor, Michael Shaffer (06/02/2023):
www.politico.com/news/magazine/2023/06/02/autism-advocates-desantis-gop-primary-00099769?cid=apn

Other stereotypes that I hear about from families:

• "He's aggressive, but he has autism"
• "He's obsessive"
• "Individual's with autism are very smart"
• "They just look different"
• "Individuals with autism don't have relationships"

What is the purpose of using stereotypes to describe autism? In the case of DeSantis, it is politically motivated; a reason to distrust him and to question his leadership ability, as opposed to viewing him an individual. We do not know if he has autism and it is none of our business. To be clear, autism is a developmental disorder that can affect how individuals behave, think, and interact with others. Since there are a variety of symptoms with their behaviors, this leads to stereotypes. Then again, just because a person seems different to you it does not mean that they are autistic or "on the spectrum"

Autism stereotypes are preconceived notions or generalizations about individuals on the autism spectrum that may not accurately reflect the diversity and complexity of the autism spectrum. These stereotypes can perpetuate misconceptions and misunderstandings about autism. It's important to recognize that every individual with autism is unique, and the spectrum encompasses a wide range of abilities, challenges, and characteristics.

Collectively, stereotypes about mental illness are pervasive in society and can contribute to stigma, discrimination, and misunderstandings. It's important to challenge these stereotypes to foster a more compassionate and inclusive understanding of mental health. Here are some common stereotypes about mental illness:

1. Dangerous and violent: One stereotype is the belief that individuals with mental illness are inherently dangerous or violent. In reality, the vast majority of people with mental health conditions are not violent. Mental illness does not automatically make someone prone to harmful behavior.
2. Weakness or personal flaw: Another stereotype suggests that mental illness is a sign of personal weakness or character flaw. Mental health conditions are not a reflection of personal weakness or lack of willpower. 
3. Incurable or untreatable: There is a misconception that mental illnesses are always lifelong and untreatable. While some mental health conditions may require long-term management, many can be effectively treated or managed with appropriate interventions, therapies, and support.
4. Lack of intelligence or competence: Some stereotypes assume that individuals with mental illness lack intelligence or competence. Mental health conditions have no direct correlation with intelligence or capability. 
5. Attention-seeking or exaggeration: It is sometimes believed that individuals with mental illness are simply seeking attention or exaggerating their symptoms. Mental health conditions are legitimate medical conditions that often cause significant distress and impairment in a person's life. 
6. Homogeneity of experiences: Mental illness stereotypes often oversimplify and generalize the experiences of individuals with mental health conditions. In reality, mental illness affects people in diverse ways, and individuals may have different symptoms, coping mechanisms, and treatment needs.

Stereotypes are insulting toward individuals diagnosed with them. Challenging these stereotypes involves promoting accurate information, raising awareness, and fostering empathy and understanding. You cannot assess the nuances and complexities of mental health conditions solely based on limited or secondhand information. You will misinterpret symptoms, misdiagnose, and miss important context relying on your instincts or Dr. Google.

In the case of the GOP, no, autism is not shameful and it should not be seen as a problem or something to be ashamed of. Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects individuals in different ways, impacting their social communication, behavior, and sensory processing. It is a natural variation of human diversity and should be accepted and respected, just like any other human characteristic. Autism is not a flaw or a defect; it is a part of someone's identity. 

Promoting acceptance, understanding, and inclusion can help combat stigma surrounding autism and create a more compassionate and inclusive society. Rely on trained and licensed mental health professionals for proper diagnosis and treatment of psychiatric disorders. We all need to foster environments that recognizes and celebrates the strengths and contributions of individuals with autism, rather than viewing it as a problem or a source of shame. Everyone learns lessons on the playground that we carry with us through life. Apparently, some members of the GOP learned to be mean.

​Autism Spectrum Disorder is not a joke.

​Failure
When you fail, if you’re anything like me, you take it to heart. You’ve worked hard at achieving a goal, though, the fruits of your labor were not enough to cause you to pass. I’ve been so annoyed with failure over the years that admittedly, it turns into anger for me. Maybe a few you of you are that way too, and others cry. I get mad over failure. However, I find the strength to tackle the problem until I am successful. I want to teach you how to get your stamina back after failure in order to focus on your goals. 

What does failure do to us? 

• Failure can break us.
• Failure can interfere.
• Failure hurts.
• Failure angers us.
• Failure makes us sad.
• Failure causes distractions.
• Failure can win if we allow it to do so.

I failed multiple times within my career. My failures started in undergraduate school and still occur today. When I think about my life, failures are what shaped me into who I am. Failure was never easy for me then, nor is it easy to cope with now. My mother used to say,

“I did not raise a quitter!”

And she meant it too. She kept my spirit high and continued to encourage me nonstop until my goal was accomplished.

Thank you, Mom!

Her words to me is a phrase that strikes my heart every time I fail at something especially when I know I should pass. For me, it is my mother’s words that caused me to keep working at a goal, along with the fact that I am mentally defiant. Some would call it being stoic. Meaning, I refuse to give into failure even if I am mad as hell about it. I have always been rebellious in my thinking with regard to my failures. When people tell me, I can’t I do I am numb to failure. Too many people have told me that I was not going to be able to…

• Become a Psychologist (because I am Black)
• Become a doctor (because I am Black)
• Work with children (because my GPA was not always a 4.0)
• And the list goes on… (It is long)

These types of comments will cause one to become mentally tough and start thinking, “Failure will not defeat me.” Although you are sad now, I want you to empower yourself enough to understand that when you fail, you grieve as long as you need to, then learn from it. Then, you figure out a plan to conquer what binds you in your process. 

What Is Failure?
Failure is often associated with negative emotions, disappointment, and a sense of setback. Our society does not normalize failure enough at all. It is a natural and inevitable part of life and we all experience it at some point in our journey. In fact, failure can serve as a catalyst for growth and improvement.

Failure can be defined as the lack of success in achieving a desired goal, outcome, or expectation. It refers to the state or condition of not meeting the intended or expected result. Failure can occur in various aspects of life, such as personal endeavors, professional pursuits, academic endeavors, relationships, or even in specific tasks or projects.

The perception of failure varies among individuals. Some view failure as a temporary setback or a stepping stone towards success, while others may perceive it as a definitive and permanent defeat. How one interprets and responds to failure plays a crucial role in personal development and future endeavors.

How Do You Respond to Failure?

First, I know that failure is not inherently negative. I learn valuable lessons, insights, and experiences that contribute to my personal growth, resilience, and the development of new strategies. Embracing failure has become a part of me and overtime, I develop a positive mindset to bounce back.

How Do I Recover From Failure?
At times it was not to study harder, but ask others how to get what I needed done. It was to rely on other people to tell me what to do and how to do it. You can never be too proud not to ask for help when in need of it. Nor can you be stubborn either and decline help when it is offered. Here is what I do to recover:

• I start with introspection to determine how I contributed to my own failure
• I allow myself to be angry about my failure(s)
• I never feel sorry for myself
• I talk to my family and friends
• I lean on other professions; I am not ashamed to tell others that I failed
• I listen to the experiences of other professionals
• Then, I act, such as adding other services (coaching, tutoring, and etc.)
• Lastly, I try again until I win

Recently, I learned from a 4-year-old child to “try again.” This child also told me “good” to allowing others to help me when I fail. Out of the mouths of babes, right? It was an incredible moment for me and a lesson that I want to share with all of you. You must “cowboy up” as my husband says, and get it done.

I Am Embarrassed Because I Failed
Your failure was unplanned, frustrating, and disheartening, I know. Been there. Our personal goals are high and we can invest a lot of time, energy, and money into accomplishing our dreams. Now is the time to grieve. 

• Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions.
• Give yourself permission to experience failure in a healthy way. 
• Gain perspective.
• Recognize that failure is a part of life. 
• Analyze the situation. 
• Look for opportunities for growth that can be derived from the failure. 
• Be kind and compassionate to yourself. 

What Do I Do Now?
Remember, other people fail as well especially the ones that you perceive as perfect. If you get them in a corner 1-to-1, they will tell you how they failed multiple times. I want you to set new goals, adjust your strategies, and gain a clear understanding of what went wrong. Monitor your progress to keep you motivated along the way. Go ahead and create a timeline and deadlines and regularly review and adjust your timeline as needed. Don’t forget to share your goals with trusted friends, family members, or mentors who can provide support and accountability. This is the one area that I find most people are afraid to do as a result of fear. Tell others what has happened to you to allow them to emotionally support you. It helps. Finally, setting new goals doesn't mean you won't face challenges or setbacks in the future. You may fail again at something important to you, but always embrace the learning mindset and,

“If At First You Don't Succeed, Then Dust Yourself Off and Try Again” – "Try Again" by Aaliyah Dana Haughton RIP

LGBTQIA+ Introduction
This photo made me smile. It is all about happiness. A feeling that all of us want to have at some point within our lives. Yet, some will interpret this picture negatively for various reasons other than seeing this person as a happy human being. I know that mindset all too well. It is one that I have encountered within my life. It does not feel good at all; however, you learn how to cope with it. Hurt people hurt other people. Misery shapes their mindset and actions. It is the reason that some politicians enact bills that discriminate and hurt others. For example, the Parental Rights in Education Bill dubbed as the "Don't Say Gay" bill that bans sexual orientation and gender identity issues from classrooms in Florida. Considering that 42% of LGBTQIA+ youth and 52% of trans youth seriously considered suicide in 2021 in American, (NEA, 2022), I think we need to keep our children and youth talking and feeling comfortable in the classroom. Anti-gay rhetoric increases mental health related issues with our LGBTQIA+ children and youth. My goal with this blog is to educate others about the mental health of LGBTQIA+ children and youth. It is not intended to persuade anyone to be more accepting of individual differences. Allow your own conscious to guide you on that one. However, let's start with the basics: What does LGBTQIA+ mean?

LGBTQIA+ Basics
The term "LGBTQIA" is an acronym that represents a range of sexual orientations and gender identities. Here's what each letter typically stands for:

• L: Lesbian - Referring to women who are attracted romantically, emotionally, and/or sexually to other women.
• G: Gay - Typically used to describe men who are attracted romantically, emotionally, and/or sexually to other men. However, it can be used more broadly to encompass all individuals who identify as non-heterosexual.
• B: Bisexual - Describing individuals who are attracted romantically, emotionally, and/or sexually to both men and women.
• T: Transgender - Referring to individuals whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Transgender people may identify as male, female, or non-binary.
• Q: Queer or Questioning - "Queer" is an umbrella term that encompasses diverse sexual orientations and gender identities that don't conform to heterosexual or cisgender norms. "Questioning" refers to individuals who are exploring their own sexual orientation or gender identity.
• I: Intersex - Intersex individuals are born with sex characteristics (such as chromosomes, hormones, or reproductive anatomy) that don't fit typical male or female classifications.
• A: Asexual - Describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or have a lack of interest in sexual activity. Asexual individuals may still experience romantic, emotional, or aesthetic attractions.

*If you really want to learn more, take a look at the variety of LGBQIA+ flags*
Link: queerintheworld.com/different-lgbtq-flags-and-meaning/

LGBTQIA+ Hate
Now that you understand what the acronym means, it's disheartening to me that some people harbor hate towards LGBTQIA+ children and youth. This hatred, however, is hurting them. There are many reasons why some people hold negative attitudes toward this population starting with ignorance and lack of exposure. People who have limited exposure to diverse sexual orientations and gender identities may lack understanding and empathy. Ignorance can contribute to the perpetuation of stereotypes, fear, and prejudice. Here are other reasons:

1. Fear and Insecurity: Some individuals may feel threatened by what they perceive as different or unfamiliar. Fear of the unknown or insecurity about their own beliefs or identities can manifest as hatred or discrimination.
2. Cultural or Religious Beliefs: Cultural or religious teachings can sometimes clash with the acceptance of LGBTQIA individuals. Traditional interpretations of religious texts or deeply ingrained cultural norms may promote homophobia or transphobia.
3. Societal Conditioning: Societal norms and expectations play a significant role in shaping attitudes and behaviors. If a society or community promotes discrimination or marginalization of LGBTQIA individuals, some people may adopt those views.
4. Personal Bias or Prejudice: Some individuals may hold personal biases, prejudices, or preconceived notions about LGBTQIA individuals. These biases can be deeply rooted and difficult to change without education and exposure to diverse perspectives.
5. Power and Control Dynamics: Hatred and discrimination can sometimes be driven by a desire to exert power and control over marginalized groups. These actions may be a reflection of broader societal power structures and inequalities.

Importance of Accepting LGBTQIA+ Children & Youth
Love is missing. To me, it is a lot easier to love than to hate and all LGBTQIA+ children and youth want is to be loved. Positive emotions toward them will decrease their negative feelings. These children may have a sexual orientation or gender identity that is different from societal norms or expectations and as a result, can face unique challenges and experiences in their personal lives, schools, and communities. You can help them by doing the following:

• Acceptance and support: LGBTQIA+ children thrive in environments where they feel accepted and supported for who they are.
• Understanding sexual orientation and gender identity: It's important for adults in a child's life to educate themselves about different sexual orientations and gender identities. 
• Open communication: Encouraging open and honest communication is essential. LGBTQIA children may have questions about their own identities, feelings, or experiences. Creating a non-judgmental environment where they feel comfortable discussing these topics can help foster a sense of trust and provide the necessary support they may need.
• Bullying and discrimination: LGBTQIA children may face higher risks of bullying and discrimination due to their sexual orientation or gender identity. It's crucial to address and combat these issues promptly. 
• Advocacy and allyship: Supporting LGBTQIA children extends beyond individual interactions. It's important to advocate for policies and legislation that protect their rights and well-being. 
• Mental health support: LGBTQIA children may be more susceptible to mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, or self-esteem issues, due to societal stigma or rejection. 

Mental Health & LGBTQIA+ Children & Youth
Important: LGBTQIA+ individuals face unique challenges and experiences that can impact their well-being and mental health. Some of the areas impacted include:

1. Minority Stress: LGBTQIA+ individuals often experience minority stress, which refers to the additional stressors and challenges they face due to their sexual orientation or gender identity. 
2. Coming Out: The process of coming out, or revealing one's sexual orientation or gender identity, can have both positive and negative effects on mental health. 
3. Family Rejection: Family support is crucial for mental well-being, but some LGBTQIA individuals may face rejection or hostility from their families. 
4. Discrimination and Violence: LGBTQIA individuals may encounter discrimination, prejudice, and even violence based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. 
5. Intersectionality: The experiences of LGBTQIA individuals are not uniform, as they can also face intersecting forms of discrimination and oppression based on race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, disability, or other identities. 
6. Access to Mental Health Care: LGBTQIA individuals may face barriers when seeking mental health care, including lack of culturally competent providers, fear of judgment or discrimination, and limited access to affirming and inclusive services. 

Conclusion
Remember, hatred and prejudice are learned behaviors, often rooted in ignorance, fear, and deeply ingrained societal biases. We do not need to hate anyone as a result of their unique differences. We need to do a much better job with supporting the mental health of LGBTQIA+ children and youth. Let's promote acceptance, create safe and inclusive spaces, provide access to LGBTQIA+-affirming mental health care, and challenge stigma and discrimination. You all better learn how to love one another!