She said, "I'm torn between my man and my secret lover." I thought, this is going to be a deep question but instead, it was a deep paragraph,
"My man is my everything. He gives me exactly what I need, want, and desire. Then I met him; my secret lover. My world changed. It was instant attraction and mutual lust. He does something to me internally that my man does not do; it's like an internal flame that ignites, and I cannot let it extinguish. The feeling is too real. The chemistry is hot. I do love my man, but I am in-love with my secret lover. I cannot let either man go. My mental health is in jeopardy because I cannot continue on this way. What are your suggestions?"
Whew... right? I am no relationship expert or marriage and family therapy, but I can address the reasons that we may be in relationships with one person and lust over another. So, you say you love him, but why? Love is a profound and powerful emotion that brings joy, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose to our lives. It plays a significant role in fostering healthy relationships, promoting well-being, and enhancing our overall quality of life. It's easy to love someone who fulfills what I call, "business love." Love is a deeply personal and subjective experience that can evolve and grow over time based upon your needs. Take a look at the pyramid. It represents Abraham Maslow's 1943 hierarchy of needs theory which states that our actions are motivated by certain physiological and psychological needs that progress from basic to complex. Love/Belonging is the third level of this theory because we have the need for love, affection, and a sense of belonging. This includes establishing meaningful relationships, social connections, and feeling accepted by others. Love encompasses a wide range of feelings and can be directed towards different objects or individuals, including romantic partners.
For years, I've called the type of love characterized by the elements discussed in this paragraph, "Business Love." It includes the following characteristics: Emotional connection, care and support, acceptance and forgiveness, commitment, and intimacy and vulnerability. Let's explore each one starting with an emotional connection. This is a the part of love involving a deep emotional bond and connection with a partner that brings forth feelings of warmth, tenderness, and empathy. Care and genuine concern for the well-being and happiness of the loved one is next. It includes providing care, support, and understanding during both good times and challenging situations. Love must entail accepting the other person as they are, including their flaws and imperfections. It involves forgiveness and understanding, as well as the willingness to work through conflicts and differences. A long-term commitment is a part of love and dedication to develop a nurturing relationship. It includes a desire to invest time, effort, and energy into building a strong and lasting connection. Having a sense of emotional intimacy, where couples feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable with one another takes the relationship to a deeper level.
"Business love" can obviously develop into a strong sense of passion, dedication, and commitment. It represents the deep satisfaction and fulfillment that couples can in their relationships. This kind of "love" for one's relationship can be also be characterized by enthusiasm, a sense of purpose, and a genuine enjoyment of the relationship. This builds positive and nurturing relationships based on trust, respect, mutual support and love. Ultimately, many individuals choose this type of love because it feels good and it's safe to them. However, what happens when you meet someone who, without trying, can turn your "business love" off and ignite a "lust love?" Then you you realize, "lust love" is missing from my relationships... uhh-ohh!
I call a love with a strong sexual desire or craving for someone, "Lust Love." It is primarily driven by physical and sexual attraction, often characterized by a focus on immediate gratification and pleasure. Lust tends to be more temporary and transient in nature, centered on the physical aspects of a relationship rather than emotional or deeper connection.
Dear Torn One,
You have "lust love" for your secret lover.
I wish you had both "business love" and "lust love" with your man. Or, felt burning passion, intense romantic, and emotional feelings about him that signifies a strong and overwhelming connection, desire, lust, and attraction to him. If you had both types of loves, you would not need two men to satisfy your innate or overall needs. When someone has lust love for another, they may experience intense emotions such as love, infatuation, longing, and a deep attachment. These feelings can consume their thoughts and emotions, leading to a heightened sense of excitement, anticipation, and desire to be close to the person. A strong emotional and physical connection is also a part of this, as well as a deep understanding and compatibility. Your secret lover causes you to pursue a romantic relationship with him; however, are you willing to make a significant effort to nurture and maintain the connection with your man because you are passionate about him? I know your secret lover is exciting, exhilarating, and transformative but be careful because sustainable relationships require more than just initial passion. Yes, you can have a successful relationship built from lust love, but building a strong foundation of trust, shared values, and emotional compatibility is crucial for long-term relationship success.
Lust love can be missing from business love which can be problematic, as we read from Torn One's paragraph and question. Note that business and lust love need to coexist and evolve into a healthy relationship. Initially, strong physical attraction or infatuation may be present in lust love, but as the relationship deepens and develops, it can transition into a more profound and lasting love that encompasses both types of love along with emotional and psychological aspects. However, you cannot focus solely on the physical and sexual aspects of a person. While lust may be the initial spark, find out if a deeper connection can form on a more comprehensive level with Secret Lover if you want him.
You are correct in that your mental health is in jeopardy. For one, this is not only about you. You have two other people involved with at least one of the two who may not be aware of your lust love for Secret Lover. Imagine how he will feel if and when he learns about it. Are you willing to loose him. Is that what you want? Or, is lust love more important to you? While I will always believe that a combination of the two works best in relationships, consider whether or not lust love is the missing link from your relationship that causes you to have a secret lover. Then, if lust love is void to the point where it makes you unhappy, then it may be best for you to make a decision to walk away from your man.
Only you know the right decision. Trust your instincts and listen to your own needs and desires. Approach this situation with a realistic mindset and understand that no relationship is perfect. Mental health plays an important role in maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. Both you and your man play a role in supporting each other's relationship and mental health. If you do decide to grow with your man, ensure that you do a few things within yourself to help sustain your relationship such as,