Helicopter Moms
My experience with helicopter moms is significant because I encounter this behavior quite often in my career. The severity has ranged from mild to severe and every mother's story is different; behaviors are justified, and in most cases their behavior(s) negatively impacted their children. We carry our children for 9 months and release them into the world; I am a mother, I get it. Nevertheless, Dory (Finding Nemo, 2003), said it best, youtu.be/zEMcEYZr7Cw Go ahead, click the YouTube link. This is the most powerful part of the movie to me, and I also share Dory's sentiments while speaking to Marlon:

• Dory: That's a funny thing to promise.
• Marlin: What?
• Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then, nothing would ever happen to him.

What Is a Helicopter Mom?
A "helicopter mom" is a parent who is overly involved in their child's life, often to the point of being controlling or smothering. A mother who is constantly hovering over their child, ready to intervene or solve problems at the slightest sign of difficulty. If you identify with the following characteristics, then you are a helicopter mom:

• Need to use excessive control and intervention
• Micromanage your child's activities
• Constantly monitoring their academic progress
• Interfere in your child's social interactions
• Shield your child from any potential disappointment or failure
• Intervene to protect your child from negative experiences

How Does Being a Helicopter Mom Hurt My Kids?
While I am positive that your intentions are good because you want to help your child succeed; however, your "helicopter mom" behavior can have negative consequences.  Here are some examples:

• Lack of independence: You are far too overly involved in your children's life. Children need the opportunity to develop independence and decision-making skills. You don't want them overly reliant on you, right? Or, struggle to make decisions or solve problems on their own?
• Low self-esteem: Children of helicopter moms may develop a low sense of self-worth and self-esteem. They may feel that they are not capable of handling challenges or solving problems on their own.
• Anxiety and stress: Being a helicopter mom can also lead to increased anxiety and stress in children. When mothers are constantly hovering and monitoring their children's activities, it can create a sense of pressure and stress that can be overwhelming for children.
• Reduced resilience: Children of helicopter moms may have reduced resilience and struggle to cope with setbacks or failures. They may feel that they are unable to handle challenges on their own and may not develop the resilience needed to navigate life's challenges.
• Poor social skills: Helicopter mom behavior can also negatively impact children's social skills. When parents are overly involved in their children's social lives, children may not have the opportunity to develop social skills such as communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution.

Why am I a Helicopter Mom?
I questioned this behavior several times in mothers who self-identified as helicopter moms. Some have anxiety, trauma, and other fears of the world. Here are some possible reasons:

• Anxiety: It can be a manifestation of parental anxiety. Some mothers may worry excessively about their child's safety, well-being, or future success, which can lead to overprotective or controlling behavior.
• Parental pressure: Society puts a lot of pressure on mothers to raise successful, high-achieving children. Some mothers may feel that they need to be actively involved in their child's life in order to ensure their success.
• BIG one here! Lack of trust: Helicopter mom behavior can also be a result of a lack of trust in others. Some mothers may feel that they are the only ones who can properly care for their child or make decisions on their behalf.
• Personal history: Helicopter mothers may also be influenced by their own childhood experiences. If a mother experienced neglect or lack of parental involvement in her own childhood, she may overcompensate by being overly involved in her child's life.
• Cultural factors: Cultural expectations and norms can also play a role in shaping parenting styles. For example, some cultures place a strong emphasis on parental involvement and may encourage helicopter parenting.

How Can I Stop Being a Helicopter Mom?
If you recognize that you may be a helicopter mom and want to stop, here are some steps you can take:

• Identify your fears: Start by reflecting on what fears or anxieties are driving your helicopter parenting behavior. 
• Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries around your involvement in your child's life. .
• Practice letting go: Allow your child to experience natural consequences and learn from their mistakes. 
• Foster open communication: Encourage open communication with your child. 
• Seek support: Consider seeking the support of a therapist or counselor to help you work through any underlying anxieties or fears that may be contributing to your helicopter parenting behavior.

It is important for helicopter moms to strike a balance between being involved in their child's life and giving them space to learn and grow. While it is natural to want to protect and support your children, you must allow them to experience challenges and develop their own coping strategies. This can help children gain resilience, self-reliance, and a sense of autonomy.

-I did not say it was easy!

​Helicopter parenting is not limited to mothers, and can be exhibited by any parent regardless of gender. Despite their reasons, it's important for parents to be aware of the potential negative consequences of helicopter parenting. Changing your parenting style takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your child as you work towards a healthier and more balanced approach to parenting. 

Remember, you did not want your parents hovering over you... 

Are You Responsible?
​For hurting the feelings of some parents? Daily, I listen to parents who share with me that they do not to take their child or children out in public due to fear of scrutiny from others. I find this utterly ridiculous and we should be ashamed of ourselves for making these parents feel as if they are imprisoned in their own homes due to our behavior(s) toward them because of their children’s behavior(s.) They report hearing public statements such as,

• “She needs to get her kids”
• "They let them run around and do what they want to do"
• “They need to discipline their children”
• “Go home with those noisy and loud children”
• “Their kids act so bad because they let them”
• "If they were my kids, I would..."

Then there are the dirty looks that convey the same feelings just with nonverbal communication and stares. Either people continue to gaze at them as they struggle with their children, or they focus their gawks strictly toward the children as if they want to discipline them on behalf of the parents. That attitude intentionally makes parents feel bad about their children. Parents love their children and want what is best for them, and making them feel troubled about their children can cause unnecessary pain and damage to their livelihoods. It is much better to focus on the positive qualities and achievements of children and parents, rather than dwelling on their shortcomings or mistakes. Besides,
​

• “Who do you think you are,” by judging these parents?

This is a question that the parents want me to ask the public. Sometimes, more seasoned parents are quick to think that their way of dealing with children is the correct way for all families. They base this narcissism on how they raised their kids. As if someone died and made them "The God(s) of Parenting!" Further, who said you get to decide what another parent is doing incorrectly as they learn to handle their children. It is perfectly fine if what they decide does not align with your experiences. Society can be so busy scowling at these parents that they do not consider other factors that may contribute to these children’s, perceived, negative behaviors. For example,

• Educational disabilities
• Mental health impairments
• Neurodivergent “neurospicy” disorders
• Medical conditions

What if a child cannot help it? Ever consider that some of these children's behaviors may fall into one of the above categories, such as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? How about cutting these families some slack based upon your ignorance about their struggles? One thing you can do for them, however, is to help when you witness their public distress. In case you are wondering, yes, I have assisted parents in public places. I am that person who will ask a parent on an airplane, for example, if I can support them with holding their baby as they put another one to sleep. Even when I do not want to lend a helping hand to parents, (I work with children and their families daily), I make sure that I do NOT glare at them if their child is misbehaving, (i.e., temper tantrums) out in public. I remember a few elderly women on an airplane helped me with my oldest child when she was 3-months-old and sick as we flew back home. I pay it forward.

Guilty of Forgetting?
Some parents of adult children forget what it is like to have toddlers. They fail to recall the sleepless nights, picky eating, public temper tantrums, frustration, sweating, and uncertainty about their own competence and parenting skills. Neglecting to recall how hard it was to function as a working parent while feeling like a parental failure does not excuse you from bad behavior toward these parents. Parents of disruptive toddlers are anxious and constantly questioning themselves and their children with,

“Is this normal?”

When something stands out within their children that seems atypical, it is an awful feeling. To make matters worse,  waiting lists for therapists, psychological testing, and special education evaluations take months to occur in order to find out if something is wrong with their child. Then, other people make them feel bad and stupid while downplaying their children's behaviors with statements such as,

• “He or she is ok, just give them more time”
• “You don’t know what you are doing because you’re a new parent”
• “That’s not ASD, it’s too soon”
• "Just spank him, that's what I did"

The most common statement I am told is,

• “My kids were the same way and they are fine.”

Did you even hear the parent's concerns? No, you did not because you were too busy ignoring their them. Before they can fully tell you about their child or children's symptoms, you were ready to tell them what you did that worked for your own children. You are not an active listener. You are not displaying empathy. You are not being a good role model. The sad part is that these parents can shut down and resort to denying symptoms about their children because you made them feel as if it was in their imagination. Some endure excessive worrying which can disrupt their lives, or they unsuccessfully try to fix the problems on their own. The children suffer. Why? Because they may not receive needed assistance in the early developmental period which may exacerbate their symptoms.

How Can We Help Distressed Parents?
It is simple. First, have some empathy! Remove your negative, automatic thoughts, and replace them with useful ones. Parenting can be a challenging task, especially when children are taxing. Here are some ways to assist, encourage, and guide parents struggling with problematic children:

• Provide Respite Care: Parents can use a break every now and then, and having a trusted friend or family member take care of their children for a few hours can be a much-needed respite.

• Offer practical help: Offer to help with household chores or errands to give the parents more time and energy to focus on their child. Offering to run errands for the family, such as picking up groceries or dropping off dry cleaning, can be a big help. Parents with young children often struggle to keep up with household chores. Offering to help with tasks like laundry, dishes, or vacuuming can be a big help.

• Bring over meals: Cooking can be time-consuming and exhausting, especially for parents with young children. Bringing over a home-cooked meal can be a thoughtful and practical gesture.

• Listen and offer support: Parenting can be overwhelming at times, and having someone to talk to can be a big relief. Simply listening and offering support can make a big difference.

• Offer to help with transportation: Parents with young children often have to juggle multiple schedules and appointments. Offering to help with transportation, such as driving children to school or extracurricular activities, can be a big help.

• Share resources: Sharing information about local parenting resources, such as parenting classes, playgroups, or support groups, can be a valuable resource for parents.

• Encourage the parents to seek professional help: Parents of aggressive children may benefit from the guidance of a mental health professional. Encourage them to seek counseling or therapy for themselves and their child.

• Offer to help with research: Researching and finding resources that may be helpful for the family can be time-consuming. Offer to help the parents research support groups, parenting classes, or other resources that may be available in their community.

• Provide a safe and calm environment: If possible, offer a calm and safe environment for the child to play in. This can give the parents a break and may help the child feel more comfortable.

• Listen and offer support: Parents of aggressive children may feel isolated or judged. Simply listening to their concerns and offering support can be helpful.

• Encourage self-care: Caring for an aggressive child can be exhausting and stressful. Encourage the parents to take care of themselves and to prioritize self-care, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends.


Give These Parents A Break
If you have never had a child with troublesome behaviors, consider yourself lucky. Supporting parents, especially those of challenging children, is not going to hurt you. It is not easy on these parents and it truly does "take a village" to raise a child. When encountering these families in public, remember, you do not know their story. Use your knowledge and insight while respecting their boundaries and feelings. Every child is different, and what worked for your child or children, may not work for another. Assist parents with finding out what works for their family and to stay positive and patient throughout the process. Even small acts of kindness can make a big difference in the lives of parents with young children.

Curiosity
Similar to you, I get curious about "The Shooter" in mass shootings. I want to know all about this person from their childhood through the time of the murdering of innocent people. For me, it is a matter of wanting to know the catalyst for such a heinous act and most importantly, how did society fail this person to the point of committing a mass murder? In my mind, it is unbelievable tragic and I am sure that it leaves many of you wondering things such as,

• What kind of person would do this to innocent people?
• Did other people know?
• Was this planned?
• Did they leave any evidence?
• What about mental health?
• Did they kill animals as a child?
• Were there any signs?

I know that many of you, similar to me, look for patterns of behavior. Pictures of these individuals are, of course, all over the media after the shootings and it is easy to draw conclusions about them based upon what is shown. However, it is a well-documented fact that many mass shooters in the United States have been white males. While it is important to recognize this pattern, it is also important to avoid making broad generalizations about all white males or assuming that all mass shooters fit a single profile. Mass shootings are not solely a white male problem either because people of all races and genders have committed mass shootings.

All of our communities are impacted by the devastating effects of gun violence. Still, given the fact that white men account for the majority of mass shootings, has our society done a disservice to them by ignoring their problems simply because they are, well white men? If we are, then we need to develop a comprehensive approach that addresses the complex interplay of factors, such as the examples below, that contribute to these tragedies: 

1. ​Ideological or political beliefs: Some mass shooters are motivated by extremist ideologies or political beliefs, which they feel justify their violent actions
2. Access to weapons: The availability of firearms can make it easier for individuals to carry out mass shootings
3. Personal grievances: Many mass shooters have experienced feelings of isolation, rejection, or humiliation and may be seeking revenge against those they perceive to have wronged them
4. Copycat behavior: The media attention given to mass shootings can inspire others to carry out similar attacks
5. Mental illness: Some shooters may have a history of mental illness or have experienced traumatic life events that may have contributed to their violent behavior.

The Shooter
Not all shooters have been diagnosed with a form of mental illness. Yet, one of the first justifications about the shooter is that the person is mentally ill, especially if the shooter is white and male. Some media sources discuss the cause of a person's decision to conduct a mass shooting as being due to mental illness more than they do easy access to guns or allowing families to grieve. Mental illness can impact people of all races and genders, and solely focusing on mental illness as the cause for mass shootings has not lessened the number of incidences of mass shootings in the United States.

Recognize that men, overall, are more violent than women. Men tend to internalize their problems, (see my blog about "Pay Attention To Men's Mental Health), www.lisaligginschambers.com/questions/q21-men and are more angry often blaming others for their challenges. These men are in crisis and have legal access to fire arms to relieve themselves of their negative feelings by murdering others and sometimes themselves.

The Shooter Characteristics

• Angry
• Young
• White
• Men
• Experience multiple stressors
  • Finances
  • Work
  • Mental health
  • Relationships 
• Sense of Entitlement
  • Starts in early childhood

Our society should discuss a sense of entitlement as a characteristic of the white male shooter. I must share with you that I observe this behavior frequently with white male children. It starts young, as early as 2-years-old. Some parents allow physical and verbal aggression toward them by their male children. Others ignore the negative behaviors and discuss their son's behaviors as, "That's what boys do." All the while, these children are laughing, smiling, and hitting their parents in the heads with toys for example, and without consequences for their behaviors. 

The lack of discipline, redirection, or structure reinforces the child's thinking that, it is okay to hurt others. In other words, harming others achieves what they want, (i.e., attention, food, and affection). These boys grow up with a sense of entitlement until society teaches them that this behavior is unacceptable, and they feel angry about it. Masculinity can be questioned and acts of violence, including mass shootings, can make them feel more masculine. As sad as it is, their anger can also stem from racial hatred, misogyny, and political rhetoric that does not condemn white men for this type of violence, but supports it against minorities. This, in turn, keeps up their ideologies and justifies their decision to partake in a mass shooting. This societal privilege is a learned behavior. It is afforded to white men simply because of their race and gender. This privilege can manifest in various ways, such as in the workplace, in politics, in education, and in social situations. Due to this white male entitlement, they receive lower levels of scrutiny and suspicion from law enforcement when crimes are committed. In the case of mass shootings they, nor their copycats, fear repercussions for their decisions to engage in mass shootings. 

Decreasing Mass Shootings
Our society needs more interventions in place BEFORE these tragedies happen, including the following:

• Develop early intervention-based violence programs
• Increase domestic violence intervention programs for children and teenagers
• Shift the media attention from the shooter to the victim
  • There is a complex relationship between shooters and media attention. In some cases, shooters may commit violent acts in an attempt to gain attention and notoriety, which can be amplified by media coverage.
  • Media coverage of mass shootings can have a "contagion" effect, in which individuals who are already at risk for committing violence are further influenced by the attention and validation received by previous shooters. This can lead to a cycle of violence and media coverage, with each shooting sparking more coverage and potentially inspiring future shooters.
  • Some experts argue that the media should exercise caution in their coverage of shootings, and avoid sensationalizing the event or giving too much attention to the perpetrator. This can include not using the shooter's name or image, not dwelling on their motives or background, and focusing on the victims and the impact of the shooting on the community.
  • Others argue that the media has a responsibility to report on these events in order to inform the public and hold those in power accountable. It is a delicate balance between providing accurate and informative reporting while also avoiding glorification or romanticization of the shooter.

 

• Strengthen Gun Laws: We can start by changing our gun policies. I will stand by there being no reason for civilians to have access to assault rifles. Strengthening gun laws can be an important step in reducing gun violence and promoting public safety. There are many ways in which gun laws can be strengthened, including:
  • Universal background checks: Requiring background checks for all gun purchases, including private sales and gun shows, can help prevent guns from getting into the hands of individuals who are prohibited from owning them, such as felons and individuals with a history of domestic violence.
  • Red flag laws: Enabling law enforcement to remove guns temporarily from individuals who pose a threat to themselves or others can prevent suicides and mass shootings.
  • Assault weapons ban: Prohibiting the sale and ownership of military-style semi-automatic firearms and high-capacity magazines can limit the lethality of mass shootings.
  • Waiting periods: Requiring a waiting period between the purchase and possession of a gun can prevent impulsive acts of violence.
  • Safe storage requirements: Requiring guns to be stored safely can prevent accidental shootings and unauthorized access to firearms by children or individuals who are not legally allowed to possess them.

 

• Schools: Build trauma-informed schools or allow the mental health professionals in schools to do their jobs and not 100 other ones in the building. Trauma-informed schools are educational institutions that have made a commitment to understanding and responding to the impact of trauma on students' academic and emotional well-being. These schools recognize that many students have experienced trauma, including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, neglect, exposure to violence, and other adverse childhood experiences. Trauma-informed schools aim to create a safe and supportive environment that helps students build resilience and recover from the effects of trauma. Some key elements of a trauma-informed school include:
  • Understanding trauma and its effects: Educators and staff members are trained to recognize the signs of trauma and to understand how trauma affects students' academic and emotional functioning.
  • Promoting safety and trust: Trauma-informed schools prioritize safety and trust in all interactions between students and staff, and work to create a supportive environment that promotes healing.
  • Fostering resilience: Trauma-informed schools help students develop resilience by providing social-emotional learning opportunities, promoting healthy coping strategies, and encouraging positive relationships with peers and adults.
  • Building partnerships: Trauma-informed schools work collaboratively with families, mental health professionals, and other community resources to provide comprehensive support to students.
  • Avoiding retraumatization: Trauma-informed schools are mindful of potential triggers and avoid practices that could retraumatize students, such as punitive discipline policies or insensitive language.

 

• Increase Support Networks for all men. Increasing support networks for men can be an important step in promoting men's mental health and well-being, and addressing issues such as toxic masculinity and gender-based violence. Here are some ways in which support networks for men can be increased:
  • Peer support groups: Peer support groups can provide a safe and confidential space for men to share their experiences, build connections, and receive support from others who have gone through similar challenges.
  • Mental health services: Access to mental health services that are tailored to men's needs, such as therapy that focuses on issues like anger management, stress management, and relationships can be particularly beneficial. Address social isolation and disconnections as well.
  • Fatherhood support programs: Programs that provide support to fathers, such as parenting classes, can help fathers develop positive relationships with their children and improve their mental health.
  • Workplace support: Employers can provide support for male employees through employee assistance programs, flexible work arrangements, and other benefits that promote work-life balance and mental health.
  • Education and awareness: Raising awareness about men's mental health issues and promoting gender equality can help reduce stigma and increase support for men. Improve access to mental health care and address social isolation and disconnection.

 

• Promote community-based violence prevention programs. Community-based violence prevention programs can be effective in reducing violence by addressing the root causes of violence and empowering communities to take action. Here are some ways in which community-based violence prevention programs can be promoted:
  • Grassroots organizing: Grassroots organizing can help build community-led efforts to prevent violence, by bringing together community members and providing them with the tools and resources to take action.
  • Youth engagement: Engaging young people in violence prevention efforts can help prevent youth violence and promote positive youth development. Programs that provide mentoring, after-school activities, and leadership opportunities can be particularly effective.
  • Partnering with community organizations: Partnering with community organizations, such as faith-based groups, community centers, and local nonprofits can help expand the reach and impact of violence prevention programs.
  • Addressing social determinants of violence: Violence prevention programs should address the social determinants of violence, such as poverty, racism, and other forms of social inequality, in order to promote community well-being and address the root causes of violence.
  • Advocacy and policy change: Violence prevention programs should be supported by advocacy and policy change efforts that address systemic issues that contribute to violence, such as the availability of guns and access to mental health services.

Summary
It is important to note that not all individuals who fit these characteristics will become mass shooters, and that there is no single profile that can accurately predict who will engage in this type of violence. Additionally, it is important to avoid making assumptions or stereotypes based on a shooter's race, gender, or other demographic factors, as this can perpetuate harmful biases and distract from effective solutions to prevent future tragedies and promote a safer and more just society for everyone.

This question reminds of a similar question that I asked a former professor of mine which was, "How do we, as Psychologists, make people happy?"

She looked at me and said, "We don't, they need to make themselves happy." She shared stories of her time in private practice specializing in depression. Specially, how she learned overtime that people who want to be happy take charge of their own desires and outcomes. We, as Psychologists, she said, cannot control their choices. I remember feeling shocked by her answer. She told me that with depression, brain chemistry can change if we teach our clients to practice happiness. Of course I asked her, "How?" She mentioned that we must retrain our brains to enjoy life by using simple steps to gradually reduce their negative feelings. In other words, recharge the brain. For example, doing something that we enjoy, (i.e., eating ice cream or traveling). This allows us to focus on positive thoughts and feelings which in return, helps us to change negative thoughts to positive ones and enjoy those moments of happiness.

I did not understand that in graduate school...

Yet, here we are 17 years post-graduation for me and in the world of positive psychology, mindfullness, yoga, and surrounded by life coaches. Now, I understand.  It is very simple psychology math, take a look below:

• Negative thoughts & feelings = Misery
• Misery = Distractions
• Distractions = Search for Confirmation Bias
• Confirmation Bias = Justification
• ​Justification = Rationale
• ​Rational = Maintains Negative Thoughts & Feelings

My former professor's plan interrupted the distractions by adding positive interventions before one searches for confirmation bias. At least, that's my analysis of her approach to depression. She gave her clients homework assignments to enjoy things they value the most including a timeframe and frequency of engagement. I have to agree with my former professor; I do believe that using positive and healthy interventions to increase happiness works to alter brain chemistry. It also increases our motivation to change our behaviors. Once you successfully create and follow through with building happy goals for yourself, then you will feel more inclined to want this emotion more often and maintain it.​ The endorphines happen more often and form a habit. Who does not want a habit of feeling pleasant feelings and happiness?

"What Is Happiness?" Happiness is a subjective state of well-being. It includes positive emotions and feeling content and satisfied with a positive evaluation of one's life. It is a feeling of joy, pleasure, and fulfillment that arises when a person achieves a desired outcome, engages in enjoyable activities, or experiences positive relationships with others. Happiness means a well-developed sense of meaning and purpose in life, as well as a positive outlook and a sense of hope for the future. Happiness may be influenced by external circumstances such as relationships, material possessions, or achievements. 

How Dr. Lisa Maintains Her Own Happiness:? I smile, often. I smile at my family and friends. I smile at my clients. I say hello to others. I am polite and friendly to most people within my environment or community because it makes me happy. Pleasantries can trick your brain into thinking that it is happy. When I am unhappy or distressed, I talk about it. I do not hold onto my negative feelings. I take breaks and relax when necessary. I listen when my body tell me to slow down. I do things that I enjoy, (i.e., buying myself gifts and pampering myself). I believe in prayer and everyday is a new chance to do things differently including starting over. I try to forgive others and move forward with my life. I do not harbor resentment or hold grudges against anyone. One of the greatest lessons that I learned about happiness is to remove things and people that do not add value or joy to my life. I try to enjoy every moment. "Peace Be Still" is my favorite Biblical quote.

"How Can I Get To Happy?" You have to want to be happy. Happiness is a subjective experience, and what brings happiness to one person may not necessarily do the same for another. However, we can all take steps to bring more joy into our lives. Here are some general suggestions that might help you find happiness:

• Take care of your physical health: Your physical well-being has a significant impact on your emotional state. Make sure you get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and eat a healthy diet.
• Cultivate positive relationships: Social connections are essential for happiness. Spend time with people who uplift you, support you, and make you feel good about yourself.
• Practice gratitude: Focus on the good things in your life, even the small ones, and try to appreciate them. Expressing gratitude has been shown to increase happiness levels.
• Pursue your passions: Engage in activities that you enjoy and that give you a sense of fulfillment. Whether it's a hobby, sport, or creative pursuit, doing something you love can bring happiness.
  • Engage in activities that bring you joy: Identify activities that make you feel happy and fulfilled, whether that's cooking, hiking, reading, or something else entirely. Make time for these activities regularly 
• Help others: Volunteering or doing something kind for someone else can boost your mood and sense of purpose.
  
  • I continuously volunteer my time to help others in need or to serve my community.
• Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. Regularly practicing mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing, can help reduce stress and increase happiness.

Conclusion
Happiness is not a destination that can be reached and then forgotten about. It is an ongoing process that requires consistent effort and attention. By making small changes in your daily life, you can increase your overall level of happiness and improve your quality of life. Be patient with your self and enjoy the process. You only have one life, make it a great one!

Men Introduction
Given the suicide rates for men in 2022 according to the Centers for Disease Control, let's examine men's mental health. Gentlemen, you are suffering in silence. You know it, and so do I. You are not alone. You can get the help that you need. As you take care of others, you must care for your own mental health needs. Do yourselves a favor and share with a professional your symptoms and how you are feeling. It is not a sign of weakness or an inability to take care of your needs independently. It is, however, a sign of strength.

Men Suffer In Silence
I am cognizant and protective of the mental health of men within my personal life. I know that it is easy for them to default to strength as opposed to acknowledging their limitations or internal challenges, such as their symptoms mental health. Their perception of weakness is stronger than the truth and for some men, it causes resistance and/or defensiveness. Many believe that it is easier to resolve the problem(s) themselves and, "Who wants to go to therapy" to learn how to deal with something that they can control. It is very difficult for men view themselves as not being able to handle most things, let alone their own mental health. However, let me share a reality check: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention In 2020, the suicide rate among males was 4 times higher than the rate among females. Males made up 49% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides in the United States (see the link below).
www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html

Do the percentages make sense to you?  It does to me and here are a few examples of men's rationale to me as a mental health professional, for avoiding treatment. This also explain why I understand the percentages: 

• "I'd rather smoke marijuana than see a doctor for sadness"
• "I know I have Autism but I am not getting it diagnosed"
• "I hear voices, but I'm going to work"
• "I don't need therapy"
• "I'm not taking medication (I am good)"
• "I yell at others; I drink, and I am okay"
• "Who the hell wants to do that?"

Too many men are ending their own lives and the quotes are examples of why the percentages are higher for men. These reasons made sense to these men, but not to me. I debated every point to alter their beliefs and decrease their defenses! Here's cognitive dissonance for you: Some men are quick to tell everyone else what to do including how to obtain therapy, for example, but refuse to do it for themselves. So, why does this happen? Some men believe that they can battle their symptoms of mental health on their own and without treatment. These same men have said to me, "There's nothing wrong with me" despite using unhealthy methods to cope with their symptoms (i.e., drugs, alcohol, and women). Many men do not take their mental health seriously and here are 5 reasons for the resistance: 

1) Stigma
Research has shown that men are less likely to seek help for mental health issues than women, and are more likely to die by suicide. This may be due to a variety of factors, including stigma around mental health. Mental health issues are often stigmatized in our society, and there may be cultural or societal expectations that men should be "tough" or "strong" and not show vulnerability or weakness. This can make men reluctant to seek help for mental health concerns, as they may worry about being judged or perceived as weak or "less of a man." Some men may worry that seeking mental health treatment or support could have negative consequences, such as impacting their career, social status, or relationships. Educating men and society as a whole about mental health and the importance of seeking help for mental health concerns can help reduce the stigma around mental health and increase understanding of the challenges that men may face. Providing male-specific support such as support services and resources that specifically cater to the needs of men, such as men's mental health support groups or workshops, can help ensure that men receive the support they need in a way that is tailored to their specific needs and concerns.
​
2) Silent Suffering
Men continue to work, play sports, and take care of their responsibilities while suffering emotionally. They experience symptoms of mental health differently than women and they will certainly remain silent about their feelings. Or, men may be more likely to experience anger or irritability as symptoms of depression, rather than feelings of sadness or hopelessness. They are also less likely to talk openly about their emotions and feelings, making it harder for them to recognize when they are struggling and to seek the support they need it. When tragedy happens such as suicide, many are shocked to learn about this unfortunately turn of events only to say, "He did not seem sick or sad." Silent suffering is probably the most hurtful to me because in these cases, most families are unaware of this man's suffering and are shocked by the completed suicide. You never know when someone is suffering and this is especially true about men. Encouraging men to talk openly about their emotions and feelings can help create a culture where mental health concerns are taken seriously and addressed. Providing safe spaces where men can talk without fear of judgement or stigma can be helpful in this regard.

3) Cultural and Societal Expectations of Masculinity
Cultural and societal expectations of masculinity can play a significant role in how men perceive and express their mental health concerns. Traditionally, many societies have placed a strong emphasis on traditional masculine traits, such as strength, self-reliance, and emotional stoicism. These expectations can create a stigma around mental health issues and seeking help for them, as men may feel that admitting to having a problem or expressing their emotions is a sign of weakness. Men who struggle with mental health issues may feel that they are not meeting these traditional masculine expectations, which can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and inadequacy. This can make it harder for them to seek help or talk openly about their struggles with mental health. By challenging traditional notions of masculinity and promoting mental health awareness and education, we can help create a culture where men feel more comfortable seeking help and talking openly about their mental health struggles. This can involve promoting a more holistic view of masculinity that acknowledges the importance of emotional expression and vulnerability for men.
​
​4) Men's Fears
Understanding and addressing men's concerns and fears about their mental health, such as fear of diagnosis or treatment, can help them feel more comfortable seeking mental healthcare. Men may worry about the following issues which add to their fears: 

• Fear of judgement:
  • Being judged for experiencing mental health issues in the first place
• Fear of losing control:
  • Seeking help for mental health concerns will make them lose control over their lives or their emotions
• Fear of being diagnosed with a mental illness:
  • The implications of being diagnosed with a mental illness, such as how it may impact their career or personal relationships
• Fear of the unknown:
  • Feeling anxious or uncertain about what to expect from therapy or other mental health treatments, or may worry that they will not be able to connect with a therapist or counselor

5) Access
Some men are less aware of the symptoms of mental health issues or the resources available to them for help. They may face barriers to accessing mental health treatment or support, such as financial or logistical challenges, long wait times for appointments, or a shortage of mental health professionals in their area. Providing men with access to affordable and accessible mental health resources, such as therapy, support groups, and hotlines, can help ensure that they receive the support they need.

Conclusion
Men need to prioritize their mental health. Ladies, if they resist, push them harder. There is no need in suffering. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns, encourage them to reach out to a mental health professional or support organization for help. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and everyone deserves to have their mental health needs addressed and supported. By working to reduce the stigma around mental health and promote more inclusive and supportive cultural and societal expectations of masculinity, we can help ensure that everyone, regardless of gender, can access the help and support they need to maintain good mental health.

I am now. a contributor for the online edition of Psychology Today. Please take a moment to read my articles:
​www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spotlight-on-special-education

Aggressive behavior in children is a complex and multifaceted issue that can have significant negative impacts on their social, emotional, and psychological development. Children who exhibit aggressive behavior may struggle to form positive relationships. Fathers, in particular, play an important role in shaping a child's behavior, either positively or negatively. The goal of this blog is not to discuss the responsibility of father's as being the sole catalyst for aggressive behavior in children; rather, how their choices can put their children at-risk for engaging in violent or criminal behavior later in life. 

Fathers Matter​
Understand how important you are, fathers, in your child's life AND that there is no clear evidence to suggest that fathers create child serial killers. In fact, it is imperative to note that the vast majority of children raised by fathers do not become serial killers. The causes of serial killing are complex and multifactorial, and typically involve a combination of biological, environmental, and psychological factors. Some possible risk factors for the development of aggressive behaviors in children and serial killing include a history of abuse or neglect, a lack of empathy or remorse, a fascination with violence, and a history of mental illness.

Father's matter in children's lives and while fathers may play a role in a child's development, let's avoid making simplistic and unsubstantiated claims about their role in creating serial killers. In fact, many serial killers come from stable and loving families, and their parents may have no idea that their child is capable of such violence. However, there are several ways in which fathers can contribute to aggressive behavior in children. Here are a few:

• Modeling aggressive behavior
  • Children often learn by watching and imitating their parents' behavior.
  • If a father is consistently aggressive, physically or verbally, this may lead to children adopting similar behavior.
• Lack of involvement 
  • If a father is absent or uninvolved in his child's life, it can lead to feelings of rejection and low self-esteem in the child, which may contribute to aggressive behavior.
• Harsh parenting style
  • Fathers who use harsh discipline, such as physical punishment, shouting or criticism, may inadvertently reinforce aggressive behavior in their children.
• Exposure to violence
  • Fathers who expose their children to violence, whether through media or real-life situations, may increase the likelihood of aggressive behavior in their children.

The factors highlighted above can be influenced by other issues, such as the child's temperament, experiences outside the home, and other family dynamics. Fathers, be aware of these potentially contributing factors and actively work to create a positive and supportive environment for your children. Focus on identifying and addressing these underlying risk factors and provide support and resources if your child who may be at risk for violent behavior(s). Early interventions to address (aggressive) and violent behaviors, or children who may have a history of abuse or neglect may include the following:
1) Early intervention

• Early childhood education: Early childhood education programs can provide a safe and supportive environment for young children who have experienced abuse or neglect, and can help to promote their social, emotional, and cognitive development.
• Early intervention for abuse and neglect requires a multidisciplinary approach, involving social workers, therapists, educators, and healthcare providers.

2) Mental Health Services

• Therapy can help children process their experiences of abuse or neglect, and develop healthy coping strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, play therapy, and trauma-focused therapy are all potential approaches.

3) Family Support

• Parenting education: Parents who have a history of abuse or neglect may benefit from parenting education programs that teach them healthy parenting skills and strategies for managing their own emotions.
• Supportive services: Families who have experienced abuse or neglect may need access to supportive services, such as housing assistance, financial assistance, and mental health services.
• Child welfare services: In cases where abuse or neglect is ongoing or severe, child welfare services may be necessary to protect the child and provide them with the care and support they need.

Conclusion
In conclusion, aggressive behavior in children can have various causes, including genetic, environmental, and psychological factors. A father's behavior or absence can aid in the development of aggressive behaviors, but it is important to note that not all children with these behaviors have fathers who contribute to it. It is essential to address the underlying risk factors for aggressive behavior, such as a lack of positive role models, exposure to violence, and harsh discipline, while promoting healthy emotional development and providing early intervention and support for children who exhibit violent behavior. Additionally, it is important to avoid making unsubstantiated claims about the role of fathers in creating child serial killers and focus on identifying and addressing the complex and multifactorial causes of violent behavior. With appropriate support and resources, children with aggressive behavior can learn to manage their emotions, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts without resorting to violence.
​

Teenage Serial Killers
A teenage serial killer is a young individual who engages repeatedly in the act of murdering multiple victims with a cooling-off period between each murder. It is important to note that the vast majority of teenagers do not engage in violent behavior, let alone become serial killers. In rare cases where a teenager does become a serial killer, there are often underlying issues that contributed to their behavior. That being said, there is no single factor that can cause someone to become a serial killer. However, there are certain patterns and risk factors that have been identified in some cases as potential risk factors.

• A history of Abuse and/or Trauma
  • One common factor is a history of abuse or trauma. Some serial killers have experienced early childhood trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse, that has contributed to their violent behavior. Additionally, some researchers have suggested that a lack of empathy or remorse may be a contributing factor, which could be linked to a number of different factors, including brain chemistry or early childhood experiences.
• Mental Illness
  • Family issues: If a teenager comes from a home where there is frequent conflict or abuse, they may be more likely to engage in aggressive behavior.
  • Some teenagers may struggle with mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, which can lead to aggressive behavior.
  • Mental illnesses can make it difficult for teenagers to regulate their emotions, leading to aggressive behavior.
  • Some common mental illnesses that can lead to teenage aggression include conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and depression.
    • Conduct disorder is a mental health condition in which a teenager engages in aggressive, destructive behaviors. These behaviors may violate the rights of others, such as bullying, theft, and physical violence.
    • Oppositional defiant disorder is a condition in which a teenager displays angry, defiant behavior including refusal to follow rules or respect authority.
    • Depression can also be a factor in teenage aggression. When a teenager is suffering from depression, they may feel hopeless or overwhelmed, leading to outbursts of anger or aggression. It is essential to address any underlying mental health issues that may be contributing to teenage aggression to provide the teenager with the necessary support and treatment.
  • Overall, it is important to recognize that mental illness may be a contributing factor to teenage aggression. Addressing underlying mental health issues can help reduce aggression and promote overall well-being. Seeking professional help from a mental health provider can also provide additional support in managing teenage aggression associated with mental illness.
• Fascination with Violence or Death
  • Some individuals may also become involved in so-called "killer cults" or online communities that encourage violent or sadistic behavior.
• Substance Abuse
  • Teenagers who use drugs or alcohol may be more likely to engage in aggressive behavior.

Teenage Brain
The teenage brain is not yet fully developed, particularly in areas related to decision-making and impulse control. This immaturity can impact their ability to reason and may contribute to impulsive or reckless behavior.

• Hormonal changes: Teenagers experience a surge in hormones that can lead to mood swings and impulse control issues.
• Peer pressure: Teenagers often feel pressure to fit in with their peers, and this pressure can sometimes lead to risky or aggressive behavior.

Support Teens
It's worth noting that not every teenager who experiences these factors will exhibit aggressive behavior, and there are many other factors that can contribute to aggressive behavior as well. The most important thing is to provide teenagers with a supportive environment where they can learn healthy coping strategies and feel safe expressing their emotions.

The response to a teenage aggression should not solely focus on punishment, but also on addressing any underlying issues such as trauma or mental illness that may have contributed to their behavior. Effective intervention can help prevent such behaviors from escalating and may even prevent future violence.

1. ​Address underlying issues: If a teenager is exhibiting aggressive behavior, it is essential to address any underlying issues such as trauma, mental illness, or substance abuse. Providing resources and support can help the teenager manage their emotions and behavior.
2. Encourage healthy communication: Communication is key in managing teenage aggression. Encourage open and honest communication between the teenager and their family and peers. Teaching conflict resolution skills and healthy communication can help prevent aggression.
3. Avoid provocation: Avoid provoking the teenager with negative comments or aggressive behavior. Instead, focus on positive reinforcement and praise for positive behavior.
4. Provide a safe environment: Providing a safe and supportive environment can help reduce teenage aggression. Positive reinforcement and support can help teenagers feel more secure, which can help reduce aggressive behavior.
5. Monitor media exposure: Violent media can be a contributing factor to teenage aggression. It is essential to monitor media exposure and limit access to violent media.

In addition to the above steps, it is important to seek professional help if the teenager's aggression persists despite efforts to address it. Mental health professionals can provide counseling and support to help the teenager manage their emotions and behavior effectively.

It is important to remember that these factors do not necessarily guarantee that someone will become a serial killer, and that there is no single cause or explanation for this type of behavior. In some cases, serial killers may simply have a desire for power and control over others, or may have been exposed to violent or abusive behavior at an early age. Ultimately, more research is needed to fully understand the complex factors that may contribute to teenagers who exhibit traits of serial killing.

"Am I Raising A Serial Killer?"
Yes, you read that correctly. Mothers want to know! There are 3 parts to this topic and for today's blog, we will discuss Part I, The Mother.

​The Mother
​Maternal figures are commonly the focus of conversation pertaining to the makings of a serial killer. How mothers parent their children does contribute; however, their behaviors are not always the primary target, nor do they count more than the father's or another caregiver. Mother's of serial killers have been known to be cruel, hostile, and brutal toward their children. This has been documented numerous times and accounted by actual serial killers.

Countless articles are available that detail the personalities and characteristics of mothers of serial killers. For this blog, however, we are going to discuss mothers in terms of the type of parenting that causes aggression in children and how to decrease that behavior. Notice as you read articles about serial killers that their aggressive behaviors do NOT begin as adults, but children. If you believe that your children behave in an aggressive manner that concerns you, seek help from a behavior therapist or psychologist. Here are 3 maternal behaviors that I commonly associated with the makings of aggressive behavior in children:

1. The Hateful Mother: Abused herself as a child, she transfers this hurt onto her children and mistreats them. She becomes what she despises the most; the people who were cruel toward her. She is angry and can be violent causing trauma and suffering to her children.
   • This one is pretty obvious right? Mothers cannot neglect their children, as several mothers of serial kills did to them. Nor can they lock their children in closets or basements, starve them, never show them love, and expect the kids to return love or to know how to love other people. These women are cruel toward their children. The children hate women (or men) and/or women who at times, favor their mothers. In reading articles about the mother's of serial kills, many of them were raised by abusive mothers.
2. The Umbrella Mother: Ever met a true "umbrella mother?" She will not allow her children to have a life outside of her watchful eye. She is fiercely overprotective and even when her children are defiant, she will protect them from harm, scrutiny, and her perception of unfair treatment from outsiders. Her child's environment is enclosed to the outside world unless she is 100% present. 
   1. The last umbrella mother that I met was afraid of the outside world and would not allow her child to leave home. The child was not allowed to attend school. The only person this child interacted with was her and when the child began to display oppositional and odd behaviors, she denied it. She covered it and shared that she would be the person to "fix" these problems. This child grew increasingly aggressive. The child brutally attacked her.
3. The Passive Mother: Denial is this mother's best friend. She is passive, quiet, and hides problems under a rug or in the closet. She believes in a specific image in society and when that is jeopardized, she ignores it. Aggressive behaviors are allowed because she does not deal with them. Her child abuses her and she walks away without dealing with the problem. In return, her child learns that violence is acceptable.
   1. Passive parenting is a mistake. Denying a child's challenges is willful ignorance. The child is typically void of needed assistance from professionals. This mother is more concerned about society's view of her children than the reality of their problems. These are the mothers who say, "But he was a good boy, he would never hurt anyone" in court. All the while, the child was killing squirrels in the backyard since he was 3-years-old and she was fully aware of it. 

All of these mothering behaviors are abnormal; however, aggressive children view them as normal. At least, that is what serial killers have mentioned in interviews. If you fall into one of the 3 categories of mothers described above, then your behaviors may contribute to aggressive behaviors in your child(ren). Here's what you can do to improve your parenting skills to prevent or improve child aggression:

• Seek therapy for yourself
  • Deal with your past trauma
• Do NOT abuse or neglect your children
  • Mandated reporters will contact Child Protective Services
  • That is the law!
• Allow your children to explore their environment outside of home
  • They can have a life without you and feel safe
  • Do not give your children anxiety with your worries
    
  • That is not fair to them
• Learn to manage aggressive behaviors
  • Ignoring them causes them to increase 
  • They learn aggressive behaviors from you
• Seek child behavior therapy
  • Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)
  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
  • Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Remain calm
  • Breath/count to 10
  • Walk away for your own time-out
• Stop giving children what they want when tantruming
  • I see this ALL of the time
  • You are reinforcing their negative behaviors with rewards
  • They learn tantruming is acceptable
• Compliment and reward positive behaviors
  • Tell your children positive words and affirmations
  • Rewards can be small or large as needed
• Help your child identify emotions
  • Draw pictures
  • Use charts
  • Show facial expressions and emotions
  • Teach alternative behaviors other than anger/aggressions
• Know your child's triggers; keep data patterns in writing
  • Use, "It's About Time: For A Parenting Journal" 
    • By, Dr. Lisa Liggins-Chambers

What Does It Mean To Be Neurodivergent?
Being neurodivergent is not the same as a disability. However, it can be associated with a disability because they may need accommodations and services at school or work. The difference is how the brain works and processes information compared to what is considered "typical." Examples of a few types of neurodivergent conditions include autism, attention/deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and Tourette syndrome. Read the article below in preparation to discuss, "Neurodivergent Does Not Mean Disabled." 

Article:
www.today.com/parents/teens/teen-publicly-rejected-gets-kind-valentines-classmates-rcna70965

The Girl Who Said No:
Did you feel sorrow for this young man? I understand, but I am kind of tired of it and it is atypical to feel sorrow for someone when rejected for a date. It sucks, I know, especially in front of a crowd! We can all empathize, but that is not the reason that these types of stories make the press. It is due to the suitor being neurodivergent along with being rejected. Why single them out this way? No one wants to feel the embarrassment of rejection, let alone in public. Especially if one is neurodivergent; spotlight on you the majority of the time, even your personal life. 

I am positive that the perception of despair, due to being rejected, is the reason the students showered him with kindness afterwards. The teens had their hearts in the right place and that is commendable, but let's view this situation from the young woman's side of the story. Do we want to guilt her into saying yes due to his condition? What did she learn from this situation? That she should have said yes because something is wrong with her for telling him? Or, feel so much compassion about his condition that she will feel compelled to say yes to him? If you answered no to these questions, I agree with you and so does this young man's mother. His peers, however, "may" have made this young lady feel badly for saying no, but there is no reporting of support for her or her response in the press. My guess is that she was probably embarrassed and quite possibly sad about this situation going viral. Collectively, we teach teenagers that, "No means no" and there is no shame in being firm in that decision. When "no" is given to someone who is neurodivergent, why the outpouring of empathy? Who not give the same type of response to any young man is rejected? Better yet, why highlight these stories in the press? I read just about one news article per week at minimum, about a neurodivergent teenager being treated differently by others due to a disappointing event occurring to them at school. Life is full of disappointments and learning to cope with them is a life lesson. Not, everyone will celebrate "me" when I encounter uncomfortable situations, obstacles, and opposition to my personal desires. On the other hand, we also do not need young women feeling bad about saying no!

Did You Know...
Neurodivergent is Not a Disability? Sure it may qualify some individuals for services, accommodations, and other assistance. However, life happens and we have a responsibility to treat neurodivergent individuals "typical"  in those situations. If our minds are geared toward lower expectations, then we set them up for failure. For example, a parent who continuously allows a neurodivergent child to misbehave shapes the child to learn that negative behaviors are acceptable. Pertaining to the article, for every disappointment that this young man will have in life, we need to show him that he can recover on his own. Not that he asked for all of the sorrow and support, but it happened due to his condition. Instead, increase a neurodivergent individual's social communications skills in preparation for these disappointing situations, as his mother mentioned in the article. This will help neurodivergent individuals more than singling them out when upsetting life events occur to them. Here are 5 tips to replace pity with understanding how to provide support for neurodivergent individuals.

1) Private Conversations
The impact of your behavior can be hurtful. Do not devalue neurodivergent individuals by using your pity to "help them." One of the best things that you can do is to have private conversations instead of public ones. In the aforementioned situation, why would this young man want the public to focus on his rejection? Of course, the outpouring of love was wonderful, but now we all know that he was rejected. Not to mention, being a teenager is already difficult without have a young woman turn you down publicly. Personal, one-on-one conversations are helpful with practicing social communication skills in preparing for big days, such as the one above in the article which can also provide increased confidence, support, and reassurance in their decisions.

2) Neurodivergent Guilt
Do not provide a crutch when a crutch is not needed by you. To combat this error is to stop being critical. Your perception of neurodivergent individuals may be wrong; guides your thoughts., and then your actions. In return, you can make this person feel fundamentally flawed because they cannot meet your expectations. When you seem to celebrate negative outcomes, as the one in the article, it may feel positive in the moment for you to choose the type of support that you believe they need, but did you ask them? Your choice is about your own pity based upon your perception of what that person needs in that moment. Why? Because you see the atypicality first, then the person. I am the opposite: I see the person first then their needs based upon what they tell me. This is how I remain positive minus sorrow when life happens to them. It allows me to focus on the person and not their condition. It also means that this person feels "typical."

3) What They Feel Versus What You Assume 
Well, we all know the cliche about assumptions. It is not about your feelings, but how you deal with them toward others. Know and understand how damaging premeditated thoughts can be toward others. Neurodivergent individuals may not feel the way that you think that they do. Instead, ask them their thoughts or what helps them to determine the best course of action in situations. Your beliefs influence how you perceive neurodivergent individuals and assume about how they perceive the world. It may not make sense to you, but there is no need in making them feel inadequate or believing that your way is best. Sometimes, increasing the self-esteem of someone neurodivergent can be challenging but most have a positive self-image of themselves. Let's not change that because, for example, they need to behave a certain way based upon your rules and expectations. In other words, don't compare them to you.

4) Stop the Judgments
This will cause them to hide and feel shameful. Behaviors are not linear and the judgment will cause neurodivergent people to hide their authentic personalities. Being neurodivergent is not a flaw; they are not broken or incomplete people who are nonhuman. Sometimes we forget that neurodivergent people are, in fact people with human rights. Your persistent need in trying to change them by insisting on, for example, sustained eye contact in conversations or defining their behavior based upon your standards rather than their individuality is hurtful. "Variety is the spice of life," is what my grandfather use to say about societies expectations versus individual differences. We do not need to determine what is valuable about others through our views. Your perception should not guide what should be discarded or developed to matched your expectations.  You need a full understanding of a situation before action. You may be taking unnecessary pity in a way of devaluing the ability to process situations of neurodivergent people. I am asking you to be careful of the ways in which you treat the neurodivergent differently. They are atypical, but in this situation it smacks as a kind of pity that is harmful than helpful. Pity cannot be hurtful; that's not contributing to their growth, or development.

5) Stop Babying Them
​I really do want to scream, "stop it" about treating the neurodivergent as if they need to be coddled. Even neurodivergent toddlers need structure and discipline over denial and acceptance of poor behaviors. Pampering in difficult situations is not always the best choice for support. The world will not always affectionately help the neurodivergent, and if you treat them this way as children, they will internalize that this response is (worldly) acceptable. Instead, show concern with empowerment and not with coddling or baby talk which makes them feel stupid. Actually, that response toward them is annoying to them, and does not teach them survival skills or slow down your speech. Their resiliency and vocabularies are far more expansive than ours and you are belittling them by automatically thinking that they are not intelligent enough to learn and/or grasp rules, expectations, and understand your natural language.

Being neurodivergent does not mean a developmental delay. You may, at times, need to use a lower tone for "some" individuals with autism for example, but that is due to sensitive hearing and not low intelligence. Do not assume incompetence and change your behavior based upon their condition. From the "typical," this is a degrading behavior and sometimes, parenting is the problem in this situation. Some parents of neurodivergent children treat them as if they are "different" with their own compensating behaviors (i.e., speaking for them, cutting them off mid-sentence, using infantile speech, teaching structure, and loose discipline). In other words, they overly compensate for neurodivergent children when it is not always necessary especially when their speech is intact. These behaviors come from a place of care and concern, but it is also a type of ignorance. To a neurodivergent person, being kind in the face of ignorance is easier than trying to educate. However, they do talk badly about you once you leave their presence due to your degrading behaviors toward them! So, "stop it."

I see you. Are You Neurodivergent? Comment Below.

Social media accounts should be allowed when you believe that your teenage girls are responsible enough to handle them. This does not mean an ability to respond to "likes" and posting photos, but having a solid understanding about the risks associated with having social media accounts. You may be asking yourself these questions:

• Why Should I care?
  • Children 12 and under should NOT be on social media
  • To monitor their privacy
  • To watch for signs of mental health conditions
  • To monitor their online interactions with others
  • To set timelines for their social media entertainment
  • To keep track of their "friends" on social media sites
  • To know who they follow on social media
  • To learn how they browse the internet 
• What Changes In Behavior Should I look For In My Daughter?
  • Distress
    • Not managing or coping with stress
    • Feelings interfering in their daily lives/school
    • Headaches
    • Decrease in self-care
    • Low energy
  • Absenteeism from school
    • Not wanting to attend school
    • Watch for changes in friendships
    • Decrease in academic grades
    • Fear of Failure
    • Giving up easily
  • Sadness 
    • Feeling down
    • Loss of interest in activities
    • Low self-esteem
    • Isolation
    • Loneliness
    • Depression
    • Suicide
    • sleep patterns
  • Worry Behaviors
    • frustration
    • Restlessness
    • Being on edge
    • Fatigue
    • Poor concentration
    • Irritability
    • Muscle tension
    • Frustration

Has Social Media Made The Mental Health Of Teenage Girls Worse?
Yes. I firmly believe that the answer is yes. This is the reason that we stress active lifestyles in my household, such as playing sports or visiting friends. Children need to get together and play games in-person and not just video games in chat rooms or virtual-meetings. They need to have meaningful social relationships with same-age peers because they are having a hard time with face-to-face conversations.

Teenage girls can be lonely and need physical contact, as we had when we were teenagers, when there were no social media sites. In-person social communication has become awkward, and many people hide behind video screens while bullying others. Sometimes, the victim is your teenage daughter although she may not tell you about it. Removing social media or taking breaks from it can increase your teenage daughter's self-esteem.

5 Ways Removing Social Media Increases Self-Esteem in Teenage Girls
1. Cyberbullying
If you are not monitoring your teenage daughter's cell phone, then there lies the problem. A significant amount of physical aggression and psychological attacks start on social media sites. Removing social media or not allowing your teenage daughter to use it decreasing these negative, harmful, and mean messaging platforms for your teenage daughter.

2) Social Comparison
Comparing themselves to the images of other teen girls can cause low self-esteem. Beauty standards and body images on social media contribute dissatisfaction and eating disorders. Unrealistic expectations can create negative images for teenage girls about their own bodies and concept of beauty. Self-depreciation arises along with a decrease in confidence and body acceptance.

​3) Information Overload
Early exposure to inappropriate information influences the attitudes of teenage girls. 
Keep your teenage daughters protected for as long as you can.
You shape their attitudes and behaviors 1st before giving them access to social media accounts.

4) Mental Health
Teenage girls have enough changes happening to them and they do not need social media to contribute to that confusion. Feel comfortable telling them no to requests for social media accounts until they are ready. Give them alternatives for communicating with friends and activities and sports to keep them preoccupied. The time will come when you will not be able to control their decision to have social media pages and until that time arrives, enjoy the typical "moody" moments from teenage girls. You do not need any help from social media to increase that emotional state of mind.

5) ​Risk Factors
Removing social media allows for open and ongoing conversations with your teenage daughters about potential risks from having those accounts. It also strengthens their knowledge of social media safety online. Encourage and promote positive self-talk and body positivity which can boost a teenage girl's mental health.