"How In The Heck Do I Talk To My Sad Teenage Daughter?" - Signed A Father
I knew plenty of girls who were sad and others who would not talk to their father's about their problems when I was a teen girl. The reason they would avoid conversations with their fathers was due to their father's attitudes, but not fear. You may not be allowing your daughters to feel comfortable enough to talk to you. Let me help you out with sharing 5 ways to be more teen girl approachable.

1) Keep An Open Mind

• Your mind is closed off with regard to your teen girl's feelings. Teen girls already know that if they tell you how they really feel, you will be resistant. How? Because you've told them for years: "I don't want to hear about boys." Or, "Ewww she's got hormones." And most famous, "I am a man and know what boys think." You, sir, are completely embarrassing to your teen daughter and she will not to tell you anything. She is not someone you dated, she is your daughter so stop pushing her away with all of your apprehension about her world. You make her feelings seem non-important with your preconceived thoughts and defenses. An "I don't want to hear it" behavior will get you exactly what you want with that comment; a quiet daughter who will not talk to you, change your thoughts gentlemen!

2) Be Approachable

• If you do not stop man-splaining to your teen daughter, I am going to scream! Sometimes, teen girls just want to know that you will listen to them. You do NOT always need to solve problems. Some of you all talk too much instead of listening. It is ok to allow your daughter to problem-solve on her own. Unless she asks for solid advice, just be quiet. Lecture less, listen more!
• It is not that hard to just sit and actively listen to what your teen daughter  is saying to you. If you do, however,  I guarantee she will start to communicate with you more often. Why? Reason being, she will not only think you are more approachable, but supportive as well. That's HUGE!  She will tell her friends, "I can tell my dad anything" and that is what you are striving for fellas. Not, "I can't tell my dad" because they are scared of your reaction or think you will just, well, act like a dad. 
• Gentlemen, you must make your daughters feel as if you are easy to approach in communication. When a teen girl interprets your body language as resistant, you have just lost your window of opportunity for communication. Teen girls will reject talk to someone who shows opposition toward their feelings. Teenage girls enjoy talking and need the freedom to express their thoughts without all of your, "OMG she's talking to me about relationships, sex, and her feelings" internal fears of yours. A teenage girl can SMELL your fears and will not tell you her secrets if she automatically feels as if she will hurt your feelings or cause you some distress. So, stop.

3) Do Not Make Her Feel Awkward

• Being a teen girl can be difficult and there is no reason to make her feel awkward about her feelings. Please do not respond to her feelings with telling her the way that you handled life when you were her age. Or, how she can just feel better by doing the things that you did as a kid or as an adult. You are not a female and she will not handle her feelings as you did no matter how much you want her to mister. Get over yourself! She is a unique person and her hormones are raging out of control from all of the changes happening within her body. You do not need to not make her feel bad about it because you may not agree. Some dads get freaked out about girl topics such as, "OMG she has a period" and they run like their daughter's are on fire. (insert eye roll) How do you think your daughter feels now monthly when they feel sad due to their hormones? I would not tell you anything either if you make me feel bad about a process that is completely natural. Your behaviors are adding to her reluctance to talk to you. This one here, (number 3), is definitely your fault.

​4) Space & Opportunity

• Your daughter may not talk to you the 1st or 2nd time that you try to hold a conversation with her about her feelings. Sorry fellas, but she has to trust you (see above). Knowing, however, that you are present and will listen makes all of the difference. With that in mind, keep trying and she will talk to you. Let her know that it is within her own time and when she does feel safe that you will give her that opportunity. Safety allows her to know that you may not like what you hear from her, but you are there for her as needed. This includes the hard conversations as well, such as self-harm, sexual activity, and sexual assault. Give her "conversation security" to know that she can discuss all topics with you. Remember, there are things that happen to teen girls that you may never consider happening to you or fear as a man. For example, you do not walk outside monitoring your surroundings due to the potential for sexually assaulted or rape because you are male. Forced sex has increased in the United States for teen girls, along with considering suicide according to the CDC. These are real issues for teen girls that need to be addressed with a trusted adult. Take a deep breath fathers, your daughters need to tell you some things....she wants to be heard!

5) It's Complicated

• Moody, moody, moody thy name is teen girl! Oh I know, but patience is key. In a heightened moment, you may not be as patient because it is hard dealing with their roller coaster emotions. They want to be independent while their brains are still growing and changing. They have opinions now and have the nerve to believe that they are the experts in all topics. (funny) All of this happens while their bodies are changing and all of it is too much at times for teen girls. This the shift in their mood and it can be a difficult time for parents due to learning how to effectively deal with their changing daughter.
• "It's complicated" has never been more true than a teen girl-parental relationship. It is comparable to having a toddler but taller with everything else that comes along with their growth and it can be painful for them. So painful that it can turn into sadness and worry behavior complicated by school problems, peer pressure, social media bullying, and competition in sports and grades. There is a lot to think about in the teen years and survival comes with a bottle of tequila for parents! Just kidding....Ok seriously, navigating your teen girl boils down to not overreacting to their challenges. Not only will you wear yourself out, but it is exhausting. You are not in control any longer as you watch your teen girl become a woman, but your wisdom, guidance, and active listening skills are still needed. Work toward setting rules and boundaries in your teen girl when she becomes difficult because that is what your teen girl needs to know.

"Days are long, years are short" is a true quote. The teenage girl years do not last very long and all of this will become a memory. What I do is to enmesh myself into my girls' lives to make them tell me everything happening within their lives. I tell them frequently, "You can tell me anything; I don't care what it is, I am your mother and I will help you," which is also what my mother also told me. Honestly, there are a lot of "Oh God my baby" moments but when I receive a personally written letter that says, "Thank you for helping me Mommy and for always being there" from my girls, I know I have done something right. Even if I am about to scream aloud, "NOOOOOOOO."

Teenagers and Racism

Question: "My Girlfriend Is Racist, I Love Her But I Don't Know What To Do About It." "She Is Terrible At School Toward Other Kids Who Are Different." "What Should I Do?"

Answer: This is a heavily packed question, and I am going to enjoy answering this one, thank you. If you can discuss this matter with your parents, that is best. To answer you directly, love can be a strong emotion for teens and if you love your girlfriend, talk to her about your feelings against her ideologies. If she is unable to resolve what you perceive as racism, then you must make the best decision for yourself going forward in your relationship..

Teens in relationships commonly believe that they need to be dedicated to their signifiant others like being married. You are not married, and it is easy to walk away from someone who does not seem to fit with your personality. It is much better to learn who you are now and what you will or will not tolerate from another person.

Love yourself 1st and that will empower you to make a final decision about whether you can deal with racist behavior from your girlfriend. It is never cool to be hurtful toward another person. Here are a few tips:

• Start a Conversation
  • Communication is key in every relationship.
  • Have an open conversation about how her actions make you feel.
  • Try to understand why she thinks this way and acts the way that she does.
  • No judgment or shaming her, but she may not be aware that her behavior is hurtful.
• Educate Her
  • Racist attitudes can be held due to lack of knowledge or not understanding cultures and communities.
  • Help her learn more by sharing articles, videos, and books that highlight experiences from people of diverse backgrounds.
• Challenge Her Behavior
  • Call her out on her behavior! 
  • Be calm and respectful.
  • Tell her that the behavior is not acceptable.
  • Share how she can do better in the future.
• Set Boundaries
  • If she will not change, set boundaries in your relationship.
  • Tell her that you do not condone her attitude or racist behavior.
  • You need to be in a relationship with someone who shares your value and views.
• Seek Professional Help
  • Racism is a complicated issue. Seek help to address it.
  • Talk to your parents, a therapist, or a counselor to help the two of you navigate this issue in a safe and constructive way.
  • Racism hurts...

Factors that Contribute To Teenage Racism: A Clinical Perspective

• Lack of Exposure
  • Believe it or not, there are people who have not been exposed to other races and cultures
  • They "think" they know what other cultures consist of and represent based upon their own ideologies
  • This is usually done by way of their sources of information or media
    • Television news or social media articles and comments that portray certain races and cultures in a negative light
• Behavior Modeling
  • Racism is a learned behavior taught to teenagers by observation
    • Caregivers model racism to their teenagers showing that it is acceptable in their environment toward by way of the following:
      • Microinsults
      • Microinvalidation
      • Microassault
• Positive Reinforcement
  • Racism develops overtime in teens due to positive reinforcement of their racist behaviors
  • Parents who create this behavior in their teens will typically deny it 
    • Teens follow their parents' lead and defend their actions when hurtful toward another
    • Their behaviors are not corrected by their parents for their racist behaviors
    • Teens will mostly deny the behavior as well; thus, the cycle continues
• Cyberbullying
  • Teenagers are using social media platforms to racially discriminate against other teenagers
  • Racial epithets are learned
    • Racist images are frequently seen on social media
  • Teens are using unfair treatment toward others who are different than them
  • They are excluding other teenagers due to race, culture, and ethnicity
  • Using "cloaked sites" or ones that disguise cyber-racism or disseminate racist ideology
• Internet Exposure
  • Teenagers are exposed to propaganda and online hate recruitment from the internet
    • This area is still being studied
    • It may occur by accident and teenagers are awkward and vulnerable 
      • They learn by clicking links that take them to denial sites
      • Racism can be designed as humor 
        • How many times was Former President Barack Obama's picture was displayed as a or with a monkey in a meme...
      • Teenagers may feel empowered and in control when learning this information
      • Most know that it is wrong
  • Some teenagers may appreciate this information and are drawn to it because it supports what they have already learned
  • It is ok teenagers to read and support your ideologies, but it is wrong to hurt others
  • There are consequences to every action. We all need love not hate. 
    
    • Don't be a hater!

If you Want To Be A Psychologist...
1) How Much Money Does A Psychologist Make?
This depends upon the psychologist in question. Obviously, this field does not pay much unless one hustles. Meaning, more than one job such as adjunct teaching on the side or completing multiple reports quickly to earn more money. Some psychologists are in the media, publishing blogs (hello), psychological testing on the side, or private practice work to add to their income. The money is there and many seasoned psychologists have learned how to increase their revenue overtime. Relying on one company alone, such as a working at a mental health center, may not earn the income that you probably want if asking this question. Psychology professors make great money as well. Teaching is a great opportunity and if you are offered one as an adjunct or tenure professor, consider them. This year is my 1st time not teaching a course or two in a very long time but it is always there if needed. Psychology is a broad field with many opportunities which you will learn as you begin your journey in it along with what you will accept or not financially. However, remove the idea of graduating from graduate school and making 6-figures. This is social services, get for real!

2) How Long Do Psychologists Work All Day?
Personally, my work hours are considered an average work day. You must consider your personal life when creating your work schedule. I will not allow myself to work to the point of not having a personal life because it is no bueno for my mental health. I take my mental health seriously and burn-out is not good for any of us. A few of my friends,  who are also psychologists, will work to the point of exhaustion per week. No matter how many times I tell them not to do this, they continue only to tell me that something in their body hurts. Then, they relax and the pain goes away. We are our worst enemies in mental health sometimes, but the body will tell us when we need to slow down. More than likely, you will definitely have a 40-hour work week and you may do a side job as well in your own time or some volunteer work. Everyone should volunteer their time and services at minimum of an hour per week to me. Of course, we all have a variety of skills and can offer numerous services to the public. When you do become a psychologist, keep in mind that your mental health matters in order to help other people with their challenges. Base your work schedule to include time off for yourself and your family. Don't forget about you.

3) What Causes A Psychologist To Quit A Patient/Client?
To be clear, we do not do this without just cause and it must comply with ethical standards. In most cases, we will not terminate a patient without providing recommendations for a new therapist. We have a duty to protect our client's from harm so we certainly do not want to abandon them. When ending a therapeutic relationship with a client, we will provide termination therapy. Why would we terminate a client? For obvious reasons such a threat to harm. Not so obvious reasons would be a threat to harm from a client's family member or an attraction to a client and a client's attraction toward us. Still, a Psychologist can seek consultation to deal with the attraction from another Psychologist to determine how to best rectify this situation. This should demonstrate to all of my readers that we try very hard to keep our clients within our care. However, there are times when termination is necessary. For example, if a client cannot not resolve an attraction to a Psychologist and it interferes in treatment goals. Another not so apparent example is when treatment goals have been met or are not working. Even when goals are not working or accomplished, Psychologists will consult with clients to determine the best course of action. We uphold our ethical duty and work toward building a solid rapport with our clients to avoid reasons for termination, if we can help it. We like you, don't worry!

If You Are Using A Psychologist...
4) I Am Attracted To My Psychologist, What Should I Do?
It happens. Your psychologist is listening to you and taking an active interest in your life. The attention feels good and the strategies work to improve your mental health which is why you feel better. Many psychologists are physically attractive and have clients who become attractive to them daily. The best thing that you can do is to remain in treatment, but tell your psychologist about your level of attraction. They can work with you to process those feelings and together, you both can determine if services can continue or whether or not you need a referral to another clinician. Treatment is not about the psychologist, but about you and this person will assist you with making the best decision. Attraction can interfere in the therapeutic relationship from you toward your psychologist and that is not what that psychologist wants to have happen in therapy. To put it plainly, you cannot sit there and fantasize about your psychologist while they are trying to work through your issues! Life happens; do not feel bad about it, just be proactive and communicative about your level of attractiveness toward that person. If you need a referral because the feelings are overwhelming and not decrease appropriately, speak to your new psychologist about them. You many not have an intimate relationship with your psychologist. NO!

5) Are Psychologists Quacks?
No. Psychology is a science. We study it for years in graduate school as other majors do and need licenses to protect the public. Not to mention, when other professionals cannot figure it out problems in a patient or client, they call upon a psychologist for a consult or to take over the care. (HELLO) This happens a lot in emergency rooms (ER) when individuals present with "strange" symptoms that stomp the ER doctors and nurses. Who do they call?

Psychologists (PERIODT - as my daughter would say)

It is due to our advanced knowledge in human behavior and mental health. We can figure it out and create a plan to treat the symptoms with the emergency room team and other professionals. What would they do without us?

Send Them Home

I am just joking, kind of, but what I really mean is no psychology is not a quack job. Do not say that to me while I am still paying for my student loans. Seriously, no other profession is called "quacks" because everyone believes that all we do is listen to folks and give advice which is why psychology is not a real field or profession to them. A car salesman once told me that he was a psychologist too and I almost took that car and drove it over him. (Not for real, but my mind went there and I did verbally blast him) My husband had to hit my leg under the table! Lol! Psychology is far more than just listening to folks and giving advice. Those who conduct therapy would be offended if you said to them all they do all day is give advice. Do you know what to do for a suicidal child? A borderline patient? An elderly person with dementia? Or, an anorexic rape victim?

I Rest My Case

​6) Can You Read People's Minds
Heck yeah, that is the best part about psychology! I know what a client and thinking and what they will say before they express it verbally. Seriously? We are very good with our people skills and can have good insight into a person's challenges after an interview with them, but we cannot read their minds. At least we are not taught to do that in graduate school. Were we supposed to be taught that skill? If so, I missed it. It would be a great one to have with children because I would know what is going on in their minds when they are unable to tell me. I would use a crystal ball too. Seriously, no reading of other people's minds. How do we know what is going on with people in our care? Well, it is not due to mind reading but symptoms and a classification system that allows us to diagnose one disorder for many symptoms that may present themselves differently in each person. Think of Autism Spectrum Disorder, (ASD), for example. A rainbow of symptoms that present themselves uniquely in each person. Training and experience teach us to know what to look for with ASD, for example, and how to improve those symptoms. I am reading your mind right now. I keep a crystal ball at my desk!

Keep asking questions, I am reading them.
Thank you, Dr. Lisa

1) Graduate Programs 
Graduate programs for psychology are NOT​ easy to apply to and gain entry. The misconception about the psychology field is that it is an "easy" area to major in or obtain a graduate degree. New flash: Both thought processes are dead wrong. We attend school as long as or longer medical doctors. Similar to medical school programs, graduate schools at the doctorate level in psychology may only accept 12-15 students per year for the Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) degree. This degree can take 5 or 6 years to earn and it is not for people who have the mindset that psychology is just giving advice. We are thoroughly trained for years to use a multitude of skills, techniques, and services in mental for the general population or chosen speciality. You must be tough/strong mentally, physically, and socially to withstand these training programs. Graduate programs at the doctorate level must be selective and are notorious for only accepting a small cohort of students per year in order to train, nurture, and spend time teaching those students they know will be successful in this field. If you want a graduate degree in psychology, remove those "this will be easy" thoughts or "anyone can get a doctorate degree in psychology," from your mind. Last but not least, just because "all of my friends come to me for advice" does not mean that is a sign that you should come a psychologist or can get into a doctorate program. Hard work, high grades, moderate to high graduate testing scores, and community service works better than ego.

2) Licensure is Difficult
If you are entering a branch of psychology that requires a license, including at the Master's-level, not having one can jeopardize your career. Although the American Psychological Association (APA) is quiet about the licensing standards for psychologists, I will tell you that overall the application, test, and payments for the license are hard. It is even more difficult for minorities; yes minorities, and that fact is evidenced in State data. There is plenty of research behind my statement to show that minorities have the most difficult time being licensed due to not passing State examinations for licensure. This topic is one that does not make me happy at all since the field of psychology prides itself with testing and assessment standards including removing biases from testing materials. Many years ago, these standards prevented for example, Black psychologists from practicing and unfortunately, those same set of standards still apply. Even if a psychologist denies this fact to you, it is absolutely true and consider it if you are interested in the psychology field. It is the reason that my former professors told me, "I don't want there to be any questions about your clinical competency" meaning, they were hard on me and I understand why after many years of being in this field. Other branches of psychology do not need a license and you need to put a lot of time into determining the best fit in this field for you. For example, educational, social, and school psychologists do not need licenses. School psychologists do take exams for certification from their State Board of Education, but they do not need a clinical license to practice in the schools. Professors of psychology do not need to be licensed unless their departments want them licensed, such as clinical psychology departments which makes sense. THIS is probably the most important area that you want to consider in this field. If you major in an area that requires a license to practice privately or at an agency that needs to bill under your license, then you may be out of a job with a license to practice. I always had a backup plan which was school psychology and my suggestions to you is to have another option that fits your career aspirations. School administration is a great opportunity and (very) needed in the USA!

3) Demand for Psychologists
It took me years to understand my comparable worth to others in this field. "If you have a doctorate in this field Lisa, act like it," is what I was told by a colleague. Companies want the clinical knowledge without paying your worth and if you allow this to happen, you will be used without enough compensation. I have walked away from several companies who were not only critical of things that were not taught to me in training, BUT sometimes attempting to pay me less than my Master's level colleagues. Yet, they wanted a (clinical) psychologist. The caveat here is that they KNEW they were offering less for more output and would admit it to me or cry broke about their company finances. (This prompted me to apply for my clinical license, FYI) Currently, there is a demand for psychologists and if I had of understood that years ago, I would have focused more on my clinical license than school psychology. School psychology is great, but can be difficult if you hold a doctorate in clinical psychology. Disclaimer: You will not be paid enough for your doctorate in school districts because you are on a teacher salary schedule and honestly, they do not need your doctorate degree. Besides, it is too difficult not to use your clinical skills when you observe clinical syndromes in children. Social workers are used in the schools for that purpose which is good, but you will want to do more if you have a doctorate degree than stand aside and watch the social workers do what you have been trained to do for thousands of dollars. When you enter into the psychology field, know automatically that you will not settle. Put it into your "schema." Women tend to accept the first salary that is offered to them and I have been a victim of this employer tactic as well because I wanted a job. Correct that behavior because in field, give companies counteroffers because If they want you, they will work with you. A positive response from a company is a good sign and probably one that you want to highly consider. 

4) Financial Investment
When I graduated, I was proud, happy, and glad to have successfully defended my dissertation which meant that I was done. Whew! I remember that moment when the faculty approved my dissertation and my advisor told me, "Congratulations." I think I slept about 12 hours after I arrived home and woke up the next day seeing my 6-year-old daughter and told her, "Mommy is done." Then, she attended my graduation with her dad and my parents which was an awesome moment for our family. One thing her dad kept telling back then was not to take our private loans. I took out two to help financially and boy do I regret it; he was right, and I cannot stand that I have that debt although it is much lower 17 years later, it is still there. DO NOT TAKE OUT a private loan to support yourself for graduate school (see the underline?). You will thank me later. Strictly stay with the federal student loans. However, I must tell you that I regret all of those darn loans. You all look into scholarships, graduate assistantships, how much your company will pay for school, and etc. Try to avoid student loans because to me, it is not worth it. If you cannot make 6 figures or close to it after graduation, then these loans will be difficult to pay back once you finish. My first love was marine biology and I used to tell myself, why did you change from biology to psychology Lisa? (laughing) However, I have met numerous people in my career and have no specific regrets except primarily my student loans. No one told me about all of the other resources available to pay for my graduate schooling, but I am telling you all to look into it and if you can, find another way without student loan debt. I can discuss student loan debt for days and years. Try to stay away from it if you can do so and still earn your graduate degree. 

5) APA-Accredited Program
I knew this one, but a colleague asked me to put it in this blog as a reminder for all of you because they did not know about this topic and it has jeopardized their licensure as a psychologist. They said, "Only apply to and attend American Psychological Association (APA) accredited programs." This is absolutely true and if not, you will hurt your chances in becoming licensed in your State or Province. Do not take this lightly and this approval will be on the university's website and you can ask the program chair as well to confirm. You will need to go through hell and high water to gain State approval for licensure if your program was not APA-accredited and they may reject your application. Read above because I already mentioned that this field is not an easy one and this includes where you apply for graduate school. APA-accredited programs have gone though rigorous standards and application processes to meet approval which makes it a bit easier on us when we apply for our license, as well as the State Boards. My colleague also shared, "The APA does not accredit any fully online doctorate programs." To explain, licensed psychologists need to complete practicum, internship, and post-doctoraal hours to become licensed. Be mindful of online doctorate programs for that reason and learn whether or not they incorporate those hours into their programs. which would meet APA-accreditation Personally, I only applied to programs that were APA-accredited and in-person as opposed to on-line. Mind you, that was 22-years-ago and online programs are now far more advanced. The goal with this blog is that you must thoroughly research and know the type of psychology programs that you want to apply to with an understanding of licensing board standards, financial compensation, and future job opportunities. Good luck!
​

1) Truth Your Instincts
If you think your child has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), then you are probably correct. You are frontline to your child's needs and observe them daily. Feel confident because you know your child better than anyone else. If your instincts tell you that something is wrong with your child or if your child's developmental milestones are delayed in your opinion, then you have just cause to request an evaluation for ASD. Continue to monitor your child's development and try not to deny their deficits or compensate for them. Remember, your child will grow up and needs to learn to function daily on their own. It is ok to compare your child's early developmental milestones to sibling and take notes of similarities and differences. What you observe as developmental challenges are valid about your children's growth and functioning.

2) Request an Evaluation
Talk to your pediatrician. They have a wealth of information about developmental social disorders. You can also request an evaluation from your public school district, an autism center, or a psychologist. A psychologist will conduct a thorough and comprehension behavior evaluation of your child. I know that the waiting lists are far too long, but an evaluation must be done in order to properly diagnose ASD. This will include tests that are specific to symptoms of ASD and behavior observations of your child. You can help with that evaluation by keeping track of your child's day-to-day behaviors.

3) ASD Symptoms
Deficits in social communication and restrictive, repetitive behavior patterns are the two criteria for ASD. To confirm your instincts, just ask yourself a few questions for example,

• Is my child verbal or nonverbal?
• If verbal, can my child have reciprocal conversations with me?
• Use nonverbal communicative behaviors?
• Avoids eye contact?
• Start talking, then stopped? (language regression)
• Can they follow directions?
• Making friends?
• Do I see hand-flapping or toe-waking? 
• Odd behavior patterns and movements?
• Lining up toys?
• Perseverative interests?

If you said yes to most of your own thoughts/questions, then it is time to pursue an evaluation. It is important to be honest about your child's symptoms to obtain an accurate diagnosis and receive interventions designed to your child's specific needs.

4) Early Childhood Education
Children with ASD need specific therapies in order to function at school. These interventions need to come first prior to attending school. You want your children to be successful in school and behavior modifications using therapy, such as applied behavior analysis (ABA) need to take priority. ABA clinicians work 1-to-1 with children to improve their social and emotional skills that will follow them in the real world. Other important interventions include speech/language therapy and occupational and physical therapy. Collectively, all 3 interventions will improve your child's language development, social skills, daily living, intellectual abilities, and help to manage sensory issues.

5) High or Low Functioning ASD
This is actually not important. It only makes parents feel better about the condition which is actually misleading. It is better to focus on the type of support that individuals with ASD need, how much, and how often. The variability in these services is not conditioned upon whether or not they are "low or high functioning," but how their deficits interfere in their daily living. Change your focus to developing treatment plans or IEPs for interventions and services instead of whether or not your child functions with a low or high level of ASD symptoms. Remember, Asperger's is no longer diagnosed.

6) Do Not Wait to Act
Once your instincts have been confirmed with a diagnosis of ASD for your child, do not wait to contact your nearest public early childhood center even if you plan to home school or enroll in private school. Your child is entitled to special education services and should receive them. The longer you wait, however, keep in mind that is time taken from your child receiving special education services and other interventions. It also takes specialists to help you to learn how to manage your child's delays because parents have a hard time knowing what to do to work with their child's unique needs.

7) Parental Mental Health
Being a parent is not easy and your mental health is important. Having a child with a disability causes anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame, guilt, confusion, and exhaustion. Seeking treatment, researching best practices, and learning to navigate the special education process makes it hard to remain positive while living with your special needs child. Find parent groups for ASD online and in person for meet-ups, connect with other parents through parenting programs, and work with a therapist who can teach you to reduce your stress. Most of all, find small improvements in your child joyful when they happen. ASD is not a terminal illness but a different way of learning for you and your child. 

Teen Self-Harm
One of the 1st things that psychologists should admit to themselves is that we are human. Some things that we hear from clients can make us emotional. I feel that way when I encounter teens who self-harm. I was watching "Ginny and Georgia" on Netflix, and my heart sank watching the pain that Ginny felt to the point of burning her inner thighs with a lighter. Ginny cried out for help so many times that it made me want to reach through the television, grab her, and hold her for a very long time. Most of us cannot imagine inflicting that type of pain onto our bodies, but millions of teens self-harm. A teen's experience is different and their reasons for self-harm varies. Let's explore some of the reason why teens cut their bodies to make scars, scratches, and marks on it with sharp objects. This is a serious issue. It is dangerous. It can become a habit. It is emotional distress and feelings of overwhelming pain.​ 

Emotional Pain
Trauma, pressure, and other types of feelings can become deeply rooted in teens causing them to want a way out of them emotionally. Self-harm becomes addicting, and it is difficult to stop the behavior. Many teens continue to self-harm although they know it is dangerous. Self-harm momentarily interrupts their overwhelming feelings by stopping the pain. Parents and guardians may be unaware of the deep-rooted pain that their teen endures until they learn of the self-harm.

Impulse
Teens in significant distress need an outlet. Self-injury usually begins as an impulse that becomes a repetitive behavior. More than likely, it has been happening for a long time. Why? It is relief from their emotions and once the frequency of cutting increases, it becomes a habit and difficult to stop. When they self-harm and feel better due to the temporary relief from their emotions, it becomes self-reinforcing. The more they cut, it becomes addicting due to the increase in endorphines or "feel good" hormones which happens when they self-harm. Eventually the brain shifts into thinking the sense of relief is rewarding - no negative or bad feelings.

Trauma
I always say, trauma is the root of all significant emotional problems. We do not discuss trauma enough, and its effects on mental health. It causes so many mental health symptoms, and it takes a lot of work to learn to cope with traumatic feelings. Trauma can make teens feel emotionally numb with self-harm waking them up from the numbness. Teens take control over their emotions via self-harm and it provides them with a sense of relief, even temporarily, from the pain. In other words, teens take charge of the pain and self-harm soothes them by stopping the pain. Think of it this way, they know where the pain is coming from when it is self-inflicted. Self-harm distracts them from the deep rooted feelings. Think about Ginny from Ginny & Georgia on Netflix. When Ginny burned herself, you could see her stop the
emotional reaction from her pain. For that moment, she felt better while she looked down at her would. Viewing the site of the self-harm shows them the location of the pain. The pain is no longer mysterious (in their heads). Teens who self-harmed said to me,

"I don't feel the razor cutting me."
"I am numb to the cutting."
​"I just don't want to feel the pain."

Suicide
Most parents and caregivers want to know, is this a suicide attempt? To answer you directly, no. However, you must keep in mind that this can get serious quickly because they can get sick, bleed, and cause themselves other physical health problems. If they tell you that they want to harm themselves, you heavily question it and take immediate action with an emergency room, your pediatrician, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Do not hesitate!

Mental Health
Now that you have more insight into self-harm, what do you do about it?

• First, some mental health conditions are linked to self-harm or cutting. For example, impulse control disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or depression. It is the overwhelming feelings from these mental health conditions that causes their mood to shift making it hard to control. Other teens have personalities that cause them to engage in self-harm as a result of social issues occurring, (e.g. peer pressure). 
• Do not be afraid to bring it to their attention. Let them know that you are aware of their self-harm. Many teens do want to stop, but are afraid to share this with their loved ones. They need to trust that they can talk to you about their feelings and the self-harm. They want you to understand.
• Keep your emotions in check. Cry with your teen, but do not judge them.
• Get professional help. Try not to be upset if your teen fights against receiving help. Remember, it can be an addiction. It may take time for them to respond appropriately and accept needed assistance with stopping the self-harm.
• Your teen needs your support. Even if they are resistant, they DO want it. Show compassion and care.
• Self-harm can be a hard habit to break. Stay determined.

"Dr. Lisa, I run around all the time for everyone else but myself. I am tired. No one else sees my exhaustion but me. So, is it ok not to be, ok?" Yes, it is ok not to be ok, and I am glad that you asked. Take notes...

1) Feel Your Feelings
Learning that you are not ok is the first step in recovery. Your attention is now focused on how to manage your thoughts and feelings toward what you need to do to BE ok. You are human with feelings and should allow them to show themselves. We often use defense mechanisms such as repression (Freud), to make ourselves feel better when we experience anxiety. Right? It makes our reality seem less stressed than it is and in return, we refuse to sit our butts down and take a breather. You are not ok because life can get overwhelming. Talk to people who care about you and tell them the truth.

2) Recognize Your Truth
Understand who you are and why you feel the need to constantly take care of others, but not your own needs. Your thoughts and feelings must be your priority. Listen to your instincts, but I know that you ignore them because you are focused on all things external. The internal, however, will explode if you do not stop and pay attention to it. The body can only take so much stress. Stopping also means protecting yourself from others by learning to say no.

3) Learn to Say NO
People will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. If you allow them to burn you out, they will and smile as it happens because they have what they wanted from you. Saying no to others is healthy because it causes you to build a boundary around what you will and will not do for others. If they get upset when you tell them no, you need better friends. Friends come and go but the real ones will understand and comfort you as needed.

4) Choose Better Friends
​You do not need to be Mr. or Ms. Popularity. Surround yourself with people who truly have your best interest at heart. Those are the friends who will have your back and want you to be ok. Tell them how you feel and what they can do to support you. Remove other obstacles for example, shady friends, from your life and you will have more peace. This includes social media which can cause a significant amount of stress for some who obsess over it:

• Wake up in the morning - social media
• Go to bed - social media
• Lunch break - social media
• Vacation time - social media
• Kids are hungry - first social media
• Anytime - social media

5) Social Media
For goodness sake, either delete all those social media pages, or temporarily deactivate them. You do not need the likes or know everyone's business. Guess what? They do not need to know yours either. If you delete or deactivate them for a while, do not go back on until you learn better social media management skills. For example, when you remember what it is like to live life without social media! But...What was life like before social media? Sneakier.... and a lot more peaceful.

Final Thoughts
Lastly, take a well-deserved break before you break. Do what is necessary to heal and take back control of your life. Many people neglect to take vacations. Money is a moot point because you can take a vacation right in the comfort of your own living room. The world can wait until you are ready to join it again. Good luck!