Q17: Teenage Girls & Sadness

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"How In The Heck Do I Talk To My Sad Teenage Daughter?" - Signed A Father
I knew plenty of girls who were sad and others who would not talk to their father's about their problems when I was a teen girl. The reason they would avoid conversations with their fathers was due to their father's attitudes, but not fear. You may not be allowing your daughters to feel comfortable enough to talk to you. Let me help you out with sharing 5 ways to be more teen girl approachable.

1) Keep An Open Mind

• Your mind is closed off with regard to your teen girl's feelings. Teen girls already know that if they tell you how they really feel, you will be resistant. How? Because you've told them for years: "I don't want to hear about boys." Or, "Ewww she's got hormones." And most famous, "I am a man and know what boys think." You, sir, are completely embarrassing to your teen daughter and she will not to tell you anything. She is not someone you dated, she is your daughter so stop pushing her away with all of your apprehension about her world. You make her feelings seem non-important with your preconceived thoughts and defenses. An "I don't want to hear it" behavior will get you exactly what you want with that comment; a quiet daughter who will not talk to you, change your thoughts gentlemen!

2) Be Approachable

• If you do not stop man-splaining to your teen daughter, I am going to scream! Sometimes, teen girls just want to know that you will listen to them. You do NOT always need to solve problems. Some of you all talk too much instead of listening. It is ok to allow your daughter to problem-solve on her own. Unless she asks for solid advice, just be quiet. Lecture less, listen more!
• It is not that hard to just sit and actively listen to what your teen daughter  is saying to you. If you do, however,  I guarantee she will start to communicate with you more often. Why? Reason being, she will not only think you are more approachable, but supportive as well. That's HUGE!  She will tell her friends, "I can tell my dad anything" and that is what you are striving for fellas. Not, "I can't tell my dad" because they are scared of your reaction or think you will just, well, act like a dad. 
• Gentlemen, you must make your daughters feel as if you are easy to approach in communication. When a teen girl interprets your body language as resistant, you have just lost your window of opportunity for communication. Teen girls will reject talk to someone who shows opposition toward their feelings. Teenage girls enjoy talking and need the freedom to express their thoughts without all of your, "OMG she's talking to me about relationships, sex, and her feelings" internal fears of yours. A teenage girl can SMELL your fears and will not tell you her secrets if she automatically feels as if she will hurt your feelings or cause you some distress. So, stop.

3) Do Not Make Her Feel Awkward

• Being a teen girl can be difficult and there is no reason to make her feel awkward about her feelings. Please do not respond to her feelings with telling her the way that you handled life when you were her age. Or, how she can just feel better by doing the things that you did as a kid or as an adult. You are not a female and she will not handle her feelings as you did no matter how much you want her to mister. Get over yourself! She is a unique person and her hormones are raging out of control from all of the changes happening within her body. You do not need to not make her feel bad about it because you may not agree. Some dads get freaked out about girl topics such as, "OMG she has a period" and they run like their daughter's are on fire. (insert eye roll) How do you think your daughter feels now monthly when they feel sad due to their hormones? I would not tell you anything either if you make me feel bad about a process that is completely natural. Your behaviors are adding to her reluctance to talk to you. This one here, (number 3), is definitely your fault.

​4) Space & Opportunity

• Your daughter may not talk to you the 1st or 2nd time that you try to hold a conversation with her about her feelings. Sorry fellas, but she has to trust you (see above). Knowing, however, that you are present and will listen makes all of the difference. With that in mind, keep trying and she will talk to you. Let her know that it is within her own time and when she does feel safe that you will give her that opportunity. Safety allows her to know that you may not like what you hear from her, but you are there for her as needed. This includes the hard conversations as well, such as self-harm, sexual activity, and sexual assault. Give her "conversation security" to know that she can discuss all topics with you. Remember, there are things that happen to teen girls that you may never consider happening to you or fear as a man. For example, you do not walk outside monitoring your surroundings due to the potential for sexually assaulted or rape because you are male. Forced sex has increased in the United States for teen girls, along with considering suicide according to the CDC. These are real issues for teen girls that need to be addressed with a trusted adult. Take a deep breath fathers, your daughters need to tell you some things....she wants to be heard!

5) It's Complicated

• Moody, moody, moody thy name is teen girl! Oh I know, but patience is key. In a heightened moment, you may not be as patient because it is hard dealing with their roller coaster emotions. They want to be independent while their brains are still growing and changing. They have opinions now and have the nerve to believe that they are the experts in all topics. (funny) All of this happens while their bodies are changing and all of it is too much at times for teen girls. This the shift in their mood and it can be a difficult time for parents due to learning how to effectively deal with their changing daughter.
• "It's complicated" has never been more true than a teen girl-parental relationship. It is comparable to having a toddler but taller with everything else that comes along with their growth and it can be painful for them. So painful that it can turn into sadness and worry behavior complicated by school problems, peer pressure, social media bullying, and competition in sports and grades. There is a lot to think about in the teen years and survival comes with a bottle of tequila for parents! Just kidding....Ok seriously, navigating your teen girl boils down to not overreacting to their challenges. Not only will you wear yourself out, but it is exhausting. You are not in control any longer as you watch your teen girl become a woman, but your wisdom, guidance, and active listening skills are still needed. Work toward setting rules and boundaries in your teen girl when she becomes difficult because that is what your teen girl needs to know.

"Days are long, years are short" is a true quote. The teenage girl years do not last very long and all of this will become a memory. What I do is to enmesh myself into my girls' lives to make them tell me everything happening within their lives. I tell them frequently, "You can tell me anything; I don't care what it is, I am your mother and I will help you," which is also what my mother also told me. Honestly, there are a lot of "Oh God my baby" moments but when I receive a personally written letter that says, "Thank you for helping me Mommy and for always being there" from my girls, I know I have done something right. Even if I am about to scream aloud, "NOOOOOOOO."

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