Red Flag Series: Q34: "Wives versus Girlfriends."

Image by TréVoy Kelly from Pixabay

Wives versus Girlfriends
I listened, observed, and read countless opinions from women about Darius Jackson's comment toward his lovely girlfriend, KeKe Palmer in July, 2023. One of the most striking issues was the debate amongst women regarding the responsibility she has to him... as his girlfriend. In other words, whether or not he had the right to expect her to dress a certain way in public, though she is not his wife. As a woman who is now in her 50s, having been a girlfriend and a wife, and with two daughters, this argument was intriguing to me. ONE of my initial responses to Darius's tweet was, "My daughters better not have the mentality of wearing clothes to please their boyfriends; they wear what they want, and boyfriends do not get to dictate that point!" Boyfriends are not husbands and yes, it is different when you are married. The Red Flag here is the belief that there is no difference between the responsibilities of being a girlfriend versus those of a wife. I agree with the comments about Darius's tweet that mentioned, "She is not his wife," and it was presumptuous of him to believe that she needed to wear clothing pleasing to...him, not to mention sharing it with the world (that's another Red Flag blog in and of itself).

Personally, one of the reasons that I never wanted to cohabitate with a man was due to what I call my, "single-woman mentality." Or, the belief that cohabitation will cause me to perform "wifely-duties" before my time. I did not want that responsibility as a single woman, nor did I want to take care of a man. This was my thought process in my early 20s and 30 years later, I am glad that I had it and do pass it on to my own children. I used to get very confused with people who would enter my life back then, and want me to dress and look a certain way - for their pleasure. As a single woman, that was not an option that I gave to them, and would dismiss them quickly from my life. Too controlling - Red Flag! Once I was married, however, I understood that husbands and wives may have preferences for one another and they should respect them, which was different from my responsibilities while being single. If you are clueless about the Darius-KeKe situation, here is an article for your perusal from MSNBC in July, 2023: 
​www.msnbc.com/opinion/msnbc-opinion/black-twitter-keke-palmer-boyfriend-body-shame-outfit-rcna93068

The topic, "Wives versus Girlfriends" is sensitive and personal, as it involves relationships and societal norms, and can vary greatly depending on the individuals involved. However, there are differences that may exist between wives versus girlfriends:

1. Legal Commitment: A wife is a partner in a legally recognized marriage, while a girlfriend is in a romantic relationship without a legal commitment. 
2. Emotional Commitment: Both wives and girlfriends can have deep emotional connections with their partners. However, marriage often signifies a higher level of commitment and dedication to the relationship.
3. Longevity and Stability: Marriages, in general, tend to be more stable and long-lasting compared to non-marital relationships. Some long-term relationships can be as committed as marriages.
4. Living Arrangements: In many cultures, marriage often leads to cohabitation, whereas girlfriends may or may not live with their partners.
5. Social Perception: Marriage is traditionally seen as a more serious and socially accepted form of commitment compared to being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
6. Expectations and Responsibilities: Marriage often comes with more defined societal expectations and responsibilities, such as shared finances, potential child-rearing, and decision-making as a unit. In a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, these expectations may be less predefined or formal.
7. Legal and Financial Implications: Marriage can have significant legal and financial implications, such as tax benefits, inheritance rights, and spousal support in case of divorce. These aspects are generally not present in girlfriend-boyfriend relationships.

Where are the Red Flags?
When reading the blogs, articles, and comments about the Darius-KeKe situation, the main Red Flag that I consistently read in comments was, "Being a wife is NO different than being a girlfriend." Yes, there IS a difference, but I am also aware that many women are content with being what I call a "forever girlfriend." However, this type of satisfaction in relationships can be a Red Flag for both parties in the relationship for various reasons, depending on the context and the individuals involved. A "forever girlfriend" refers to a situation where a woman is involved in a long-term, committed relationship with another who consistently avoids or resists the idea of getting married or taking the relationship to a more serious and formal level. There are some Red Flag concerns raised about this type of relationship dynamic such as,

1. Lack of Commitment: One of the primary concerns with being a forever girlfriend is the perceived lack of commitment from the partner who is resistant to marriage. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and uncertainty in the relationship.
2. Unbalanced Expectations: If one partner desires marriage or a more committed relationship, but the other partner is unwilling to provide that level of commitment, it can create an imbalance in the relationship, leading to frustration and disappointment.
3. Fear of Commitment: A partner who avoids marriage indefinitely might have deep-seated fears or commitment issues that can negatively impact the relationship's long-term stability.
4. Mismatched Goals: If the individuals in the relationship have different long-term goals, such as one partner wanting marriage and a family while the other does not, it can lead to significant conflicts and emotional distress.
5. Stagnation in the Relationship: The reluctance to move the relationship forward can lead to a sense of stagnation and prevent the couple from growing together or making important life decisions as a team.
6. Social Pressure and Acceptance: In some cultures and societies, being in a long-term unmarried relationship may carry social stigmas or lead to challenges related to acceptance from family, friends, or the broader community.
7. Legal and Financial Implications: Marriage often comes with legal protections and financial benefits that are not available to unmarried couples. Being a forever girlfriend could mean missing out on these advantages.
8. Emotional Toll: Staying in a forever girlfriend scenario while desiring a more committed relationship can take a toll on one's emotional well-being, leading to feelings of unfulfillment and unhappiness.

Is Being a Wife or Girlfriend Better?
I also saw this debate between women: "Being a girlfriend is better; no, being a wife is better." Ladies, you have your own opinions based on your experiences. Opinions and preferences vary and what one person values in a relationship might not be the same for someone else. Some women hold the stance that being a girlfriend is a better choice for them possibly due to:

1. Independence and Autonomy: Some women may prefer the independence and autonomy that comes with being a girlfriend. They might see marriage as potentially restricting their freedom and individuality.
2. Less Formality and Commitment Pressure: Being a girlfriend can feel less formal and less socially pressuring than being a wife. It may offer a more relaxed and flexible dynamic in the relationship.
3. Avoiding Societal Expectations: Marriage can come with certain societal expectations, such as traditional gender roles and responsibilities. Some women might prefer to avoid these expectations and focus on a more egalitarian relationship as girlfriends.
4. Less Legal and Financial Entanglement: Marriage often involves legal and financial commitments, which can be complicated and difficult to dissolve if the relationship doesn't work out. Some women may prefer to avoid these complexities by remaining girlfriends.
5. Fear of Divorce or Failed Marriages: Women who have witnessed or experienced difficult divorces or failed marriages may be hesitant to enter into the institution of marriage and prefer to maintain a long-term committed relationship without the legal formality.
6. Personal Beliefs and Values: Some women might have personal beliefs or cultural backgrounds that don't prioritize marriage or view it as a necessary step in a committed relationship.
7. Focus on Emotional Connection: For some women, the label of "girlfriend" might not be as important as the emotional connection and commitment they share with their partner. They may feel that their relationship is strong and meaningful regardless of marital status.
8. Negative Stereotypes about Marriage: Negative stereotypes or perceptions about marriage, such as loss of personal identity or diminished romance, could influence some women to prefer remaining as girlfriends.

With that said, I am a wife. It is a different responsibility and concern for my spouse than for a man that I dated or who was my boyfriend many years ago. There are advantages and benefits to being a wife over being a girlfriend. I have written about the business side of marriage versus being in-love with your spouse on this blog; however, I did not mention that I also see marriage as being advantageous in these areas as well:

1. Legal Protections and Rights: Marriage provides legal protections and rights that are not available to unmarried couples. These may include inheritance rights, tax benefits, access to healthcare, and spousal benefits.
2. Formal Commitment: Marriage is typically seen as a higher level of commitment compared to being a girlfriend. Some people may find security and reassurance in this formal commitment.
3. Shared Responsibilities: Marriage often involves shared responsibilities, both emotional and practical, which can lead to a stronger sense of partnership and teamwork.
4. Cultural and Religious Significance: For individuals with specific cultural or religious backgrounds, marriage can hold deep cultural or religious significance and be an important rite of passage.
5. Symbolic Bond: Marriage is often seen as a symbol of love, devotion, and lifelong commitment, which can be personally meaningful to some people.
6. Stability and Longevity: Statistics show that, on average, marriages tend to be more stable and longer-lasting compared to non-marital relationships. Married people are happier than single people over the course of their lifetime.

​
Ladies, To Conclude...
It's essential to remember that a successful and fulfilling relationship is not solely determined by marital status. Whether someone chooses to be a wife or remain a girlfriend, the most important factors are mutual love, respect, trust, communication, and compatibility between the partners. Each person's path to happiness and fulfillment in a relationship is unique, and it's crucial to respect and support the choices that individuals make based on their personal values and circumstances.

The dynamics of each relationship depend on the individuals involved and their personal choices. Some long-term unmarried relationships may mirror the commitment and stability of marriage, while some marriages may lack emotional depth and commitment. The labels themselves do not define the quality or depth of a relationship; it is the love, respect, and understanding between partners that truly matters.

Communicate openly and honestly in any relationship to understand each other's desires, goals, and expectations. If one partner wants a more committed relationship and the other partner is unwilling to meet those needs, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship and consider whether it is best to move forward together or go separate ways. Every individual deserves to be in a relationship where their needs for commitment, security, and happiness are respected and fulfilled.

Every person's perspective on relationships is influenced by their experiences, values, and individual preferences. What matters most is that both partners in a relationship are on the same page about their commitment level and the direction they want the relationship to take. Open and honest communication is crucial to understanding each other's feelings, expectations, and goals to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, whether as girlfriends or spouses. Compromise is key in relationships, pending the expectations established between couples. Most of all, keep your feelings about your relationship, OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA!

Image by Emmanuel Mwungura from Pixabay