Blog 61: Are Children Born Violent?

Are Children Born Violent?
Introduction
I was asked this question by a mother who was concerned about her child’s physical aggression and temper. Her child is in kindergarten, and the school constantly calls her to complain, suspend, or force her to take the child home for the day. She is frustrated, services to help her are minimal, and she feels as if she has no options. This is a mother who works a full-time job and must take off each and every time her child is in trouble at school. Not to mention, she is a single mom and cannot always afford to miss work due to her child’s negative behaviors. 

Recently, I listened to another mother discuss her child’s level of anger. Actually, I have heard this same complaint multiple times this year. Distressed mothers, whose children have taken a toll on their lives, due to the heightened anger and aggression that their children exhibit. This is a devastating and challenging for some parents without, from their perspective, clear answers. These kids are physically and verbally aggressive without regard for their safety or others. Other behaviors include: Using profanity, low academic performance, in-and-out of school suspensions and expulsions, and they are oppositional, defiant, and have little regard for how their behaviors impact others. Being hospitalized at mental health facilities and sent to juvenile detention centers due little to remediate the behaviors. For these parents, an option is to give up their parental rights to the State to obtain the State’s assistance for therapy, counseling, parenting classes and/or other services. 

Even distressed parents refuse to give up custody rights!

Another mom just cried. She continued to cry for hours. Her child is “out of control” and has been out of control for years. From harming others to using drugs, this child is now living in abandoned homes, cars, and other buildings. When this child encounters another child, violence is the result of their interaction. School is an issue because this child will not remain in the building. This child refuses to attend school or remain present when in attendance which also means that academic performance is failing. Obviously, this child may have been retained a grade school in and the mother feels helpless. She said to me,

Will someone determine what's wrong with my child?

This mother believed that no one will help, or find out why her child behaves violently. This child had therapy services, but the problem was that the catalyst for the behaviors was undetermined. The type of therapy provided was not useful in decreasing the level of aggression and types of behaviors within this child. One cannot treat symptoms without understanding the core of the problem, which is my personal philosophy. This child continues to function in a heightened state of aggression. This mother reported that the only solutions lie within either mental health hospitalization or expulsion and suspensions from school. I agree with the mother,

More needs to be done for our most aggressive children.

Kids Are NOT Bad
I have numerous stories that I can share like the ones above which is one too many for my taste. I can provide you with case after case highlighting the need for specific services to address angry and violent children. Traditional (talking therapy) may not work with these kids, and expelling them from school may not  either. However, do not blame the school for implementing their policies. Remember, they have other children to protect. At times, violent children must be removed from school permanently. There are zero policy rules in place for a reason - safety. Schools do the best that they can to support all children, but parents must continue to do their part as well. Kids are not bad, but make bad choices. Some are rooted in what they have been taught within their environments. I can count on my fingers and toes the numerous times that I witnessed parents supporting their children's violence toward another child. Pay attention parents,

That is positive reinforcement. Understand?

If not, that means that you are positively encouraging your child's aggression. As a result of your support for violent behaviors, your children believe that they are acceptable and will continue the behaviors. If you do not teach them to behave properly, society will teach them for you as your children grow older. You are raising adult and not children. There are rules and laws to follow. They need to be taught those things instead of violence.

It is a vicious cycle that needs to stop.

So, stop calling them bad. I dislike negative labels placed upon kids. Many kids already hear bad things and do not need to hear it from professionals as well. Small things that we take advantage of, such as a smile from the adults within their lives, or going home to pleasant circumstances may not occur for all children. For example, I have told kids “Good morning” and a few of them say to me, “No one has ever told me that at all.” Yet, we call them bad? They seem surprised when I tell them, “You’re not bad; kids are not bad, they just make bad choices.” Actually, I say that to children almost daily.

Are Children Born Violent?
Society judges these children and parents, often placing the blame for violent behaviors solely on their parents. I have heard a few negative statements:

1. It is the parents’ problem, and they are the cause of the children behaving badly at school.
2. “These” parents fight teachers, for example, and they lack control of their kids.

My response to these comments:

1. If you just give up on these parents and kids, why are you teaching or working with them?
2. There are solutions and interventions, but pointing out the perceived problem(s) minus the motivation to improve the situation is not helpful.  

While complaining about a child’s level of violence remember, these parents love their children and want what is best for them as well. I need to point out something here: These families are not always African-American. Children, all children, in my opinion are not born violent. I am a Behaviorist. From my theoretical perspective, violence is a learned behavior. It is shaped and strengthened through reinforcement. The cycle of violent behaviors continue because most parents do not know what to do to improve and resolve them. Learning through observation and imitation contribute to children being conditioned to violent behavior. Learning starts early. Parents, do not wait to teach and discipline your child when they are teenagers. Little children grow up and behaviors can worsen if you do not deal with them in early childhood.

Specific resources can be limited and are not always well-matched with these families. Families have a right to choose their therapists! If they do not choose you or want to terminate therapy, do not take it personally. The choice is theirs, and it is not about you or your credentials. I refer many children to therapists who are trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Reason being, DBT is a type of therapy that works to reduce anger and violence. This treatment is empirically validated, and if you would like to learn more about it, you can purchase a book about it, read articles, or search the internet for more resources. Check your local mental health agencies to determine whether or not their therapists are trained in using DBT.

It is easy to default to a child's violent behavior being rooted from within them. That makes the solution easier to deal with including discussions regarding medication. It is much harder to take the time to sort through a child's inner more complications to understand them, but it is necessary.

Why do you steal cars?
I have to.
You have to?
Yes. I will do it again.

I could have stopped there as some therapists did with this child. It took several months to break into this child's thought processes, and I gave it that time. This child was violently stealing cards, but did not know that she or he could work, save money, and buy his or her own car one day. We built life skills and added trade school as a part of therapy. I refused to allow this kid to default to a life of crime. You see, this was a child who needed an education. He or she was not taught the importance of an education, and to work and save money. Once those things were in place, this child graduated from high school. Then, she or he had the skills to obtain a job to earn the money to...

Buy a car!

Do not give up on kids.