Blog 56: Just Ask!

​Just Ask
Assumptions arise when we fail to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Assumptions are easy answers. Easy answers seem feasible and justify our hypotheses. Most of the time, we do not test out our hypothesis; we keep them as if there are no other alternatives. That response allows us to believe that our hypotheses are correct ones, which can be problematic.

Holding onto our own hypothesis without regard for other options is troublesome. We do not make room for our hypotheses to be tested and wrong, which stops them from changing. Some believe that they possess correct answers all the time. Life taught them that the sun rises and sets with their ideologies. Some of these individuals refuse to alter their thoughts which maintains their stance in relation to their life encounters. That line of thinking justifies their attitudes, behaviors, and thoughts in most situations. This confirm their beliefs and they stand by their learned behaviors, incorrect doctrines, and push others to fall in line with their nonsense. Anyone who goes against their viewpoint is imperfect or flawed which causes them to find fault with individual differences. It also makes them cowards; too fearful to understand the world as it is now. 

I observe this type of behavior daily. Others have tried to impose it on me as well. The perpetrators willfully ignore or fail to realize the wound that their behavior inflicts upon others. Not to mention, an apology is not allowed. This is how they interact with people. The automatic thoughts and assumptions drives their decisions about how to interact in life, and at times it is inappropriately. For example, negative beliefs about someone's success, capability, and qualifications due to race or sexuality. It's that implicit bias that drives the mind, as opposed to getting to know someone better. What they see if what they believe. What they heard reigns supreme. But their assumptions guide their actions. Actions have consequences. Get to know a person. Just ask. It is not that hard except, do not become insulting.

"What is a woman?" (Insert rolling eye emoji)

These thought processes and actions can lead to unavoidable consequences such as, legal matters and physical altercations. Out of all of my experiences in psychology, the worst situation I witnessed dealt with a student and an office assistant. The outcome of an assumption was a physical altercation between the two individuals. The student’s assumption was that it was appropriate to bully and intimidate the office manager. The student presumed that the office manager would not physically protect him or herself due solely due to the student being a minor child. This situation did not end well. The student, being the aggressor, was suspended from school. The office manager retained employment, but not without negative aftereffects such as the press learning of the incident.

If the student did not assume that the office manager was defenseless, this would not have happened. A larger issue of course, is with the student not respecting individuals in authority. Assumptions are harmful and even more so when those negative attitudes are shared with others. Sometimes I just want to sarcastically ask people, 

How do you know?
Did you...Just ask?

Sometimes, there are no penalties for negative assumptions inflicted upon another. Some treat others poorly because they are cruel and feel entitled. Most of the time, they are aware of their own nonsense, but when they have the opportunity to cause pain, they do it. This cycle of negativity is gratifying for them. 

On the other hand, some have good intentions. Think of those who work with populations of people that they oppress. I have had people tell me that they understand being African-American better than I do because, 

"I've been working with black people for years." (insert another eye roll emoji here)

That means these individuals have a better vantage point with understanding a population. You know, those who believe that they are aware of what a group of people needs without asking said population. Think of all of the elderly caucasian men who were in congress, (some still are in congress), who believe that revoking a woman's reproductive health rights is what is best for them. Men who will never know what it is like to have a menstrual cycle, a baby, or get rapped. Men who do not have a vagina yet know what should be done to it. Men who did not consult with one woman on their cabinet when all they needed to do was to,

Just Ask that population about their needs.

Just Ask, Nebulous Children
Nebulous Children are a population that I adore. The key to working with Nebulous Children is to,

Just Ask Questions

When it is appropriate to just ask. More times than not, we can be hurtful toward Nebulous Children by not asking them about their experiences, as well as their feelings. If you just ask a Nebulous Child specific questions, then we will avoid believing negative stereotypes such as, “They are crazy.”  I asked a Nebulous Child recently, “What is this experience like for you?” The response gave a very detailed description of the features and characteristics of sightings. It almost felt as if I could see the ghost too, based upon the vivid account given by this child. This led to more questions and a decrease in my own stereotypes regarding this particular child's ability to see ghosts.

What I mean by stereotypes was my assumption that this child’s visions and experiences were similar to other Nebulous Children. Occasionally, that is my own supposition which I am learning to become more cognizant of when encountering Nebulous Children. None of us are perfect, and this Nebulous Child reminded me that each experience from a Nebulous Child is unique. It forced me to remember not to interact with Nebulous Children in accordance with another children's experiences. Nebulous Children are individuals and I need to treat them as such each and every time. See? Breaking free of stereotypes and assumptions is not that difficult if you want to change.

If you do not want to alter your thinking, you will miss out on interacting with great people. Categories may be the same, (e.g., Religion, skin color, and sexuality), but you can learn the characteristics of a person. Internally, you can benefit from just asking instead of assuming. Here are some tips:

• Just ask as opposed to remaining firm within your beliefs.
• Just ask to learn from others.
• Just ask to improve your interpersonal relationships.
• Just ask to avoid conflicts.
• Just ask
  • The person that you presume has specific intentions may not; it might just be you, and your biased thinking.

“Be The Change That You Want To See.”  

Dedicated to Ketanji Brown Jackson. I see you.
Congratulations!
#blackgirlmagic
Photo Courtesy of Time Magazine
BY MADELEINE CARLISLE AND ABBY VESOULIS
UPDATED: FEBRUARY 25, 2022 10:42 AM EST
​ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED: FEBRUARY 25, 2022 10:07 AM EST

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