Blog 53: "Angry Kids" Child L

Child L
Some children are angry. It feels as if every other child that I encounter is angry. In some situations, I tell the kids yes, I would be angry too but that is not how you appropriately cope with your anger. Let’s explore a few questions from parents that I received about their perceived angry children:

• Does this occur due to their environments? Sometimes. 
• Is it a learned behavior? Yes. 
• Are parents responsible for their child’s level of anger? Not always
• Can children overcome this anger? Yes

I met Child L and quickly realized the amount of angry in this child's eyes, demeanor, words, facial expression, and other body language. The child was enraged and as I told Child L, "I would be angry too." Some kids are born into shitty environments. Period. And I do not mean low socioeconomic status either because very wealthy people can be shitty to their kids as well. You all know what I mean; parents who do not give a rats ass about their children. Child L was one of those kids whose parents failed to care about their child. Left Child L to survive on the streets with no food, water, or shelter. Of course when the parents finally decided to help, Child L wanted no parts of them and was violent in making the position known. There had not been a lot of people who validated Child L's emotions, but I did and said you know what,

"Just be pissed off."

There's nothing wrong with being pissed off at the world. We have to normalize the feelings of children. As I told Child L, the problem is when those feelings become harmful to themselves and others. When bad choices are being made as a result of being angry, and when kids are not taught where to put those feelings and how to use them to feel better. Then, they make unhealthy choices to cope which is what Child L was doing to develop ways of feeling better emotionally. This was a child whose parents failed at parenting and created an environment for this child to fail as well.

Environment
Many children experience life events too early. There have been encounters with children where I thought, I cannot believe this child experienced these (events) so early in his/her life. From being witnesses to murder to finding ways to survive homeless. Many are quick to judge a child’s level of anger without first hearing their story. Other people automatically place blame on the parents which is unfair. In Child L's case, child abandonment is a parental failure. However, I have worked with many children who were raised by love and caring parents with strong financial backing. Many parents do the best that they can, and have the best intentions for their children. Children, however, can be easily influenced by their peers and sometimes steer in a direction that their parents would never dream of,  or assume that their child would be a victim of that circumstance. Nevertheless it happens, and it is not always attributed to poor parenting or mental health.

Angry children, if their emotions are severe enough, are brought to mental health professionals for assistance. An angry child's emotional stability can improve if the child is willing to accept help. Accepting help can be problematic if the child rejects it. Children and especially teenagers, defiantly, do reject assistance from mental health professions and other adults who want to help them. Even with parental encouragement, children and teens may not participate in improving their own mental health. Sadly, more and more children harming themselves and I am not referring to suicide. I am speaking of cutting behaviors. Other harmful behaviors include:

• Avoiding school
• Failing grades
• Using drugs
• Drinking alcohol
• Physical aggression
• Sexual promiscuity - many young kids are having sex, unfortunately!

The aforementioned behaviors are how these kids are learning to cope with their anger, (and other emotions). I am an observer of childhood behaviors. If you sit back and watch kids, you will learn a lot from them. Kids are gradually becoming more and more violent with fighting in school, harming their parents and teachers, administrators, and other school staff. It is disturbing and sometimes justified by their parents. These acts of anger and violence leave parents stressed and in tears while asking me,  

"What do I do to help my child?"

Parents
Are parents responsible for their child’s level of anger? Not always, and it depends upon the family dynamics. More times than not, however, parents have been responsible for the development of their child’s anger. I have heard parents say, “Well good, my child should have beat her up!” Or “The teacher deserved to be cursed out and hit in the mouth.” I hear parents telling their kids things such as, "Why the fuck do you have on those shoes, I will slap you!" I mean, what type of nonsense is this from parents to their kids? Keeping it real? No! What you are doing is training your kids to be aggressive. Believe me, these same kids run to school and ask teachers, "Why the fuck should I do math?" Or, "fuck you" when their cell phones are taken away due to school policy violations. Then, their parents curse out the school staff although they agreed to a cell phone policy, for example, in front of THEIR CHILD. So, what did that parent just teach their child?

That violence is ok and when you are violent, you get your way...

• I never heard my mother curse.
• I never heard my mother curse out a teacher of mine.
• I never heard my mother curse out an administrator.
• My mother never demonstrated to me that violence was ok.

Hold on, before you start judging... I was a student in East Cleveland, Ohio. We had to grow up tough and strong. Still,

"Our parents respected school staff, and made us do it too."

When I was a kid, there was no way that I would be still here typing this blog if I had of done something so egregious as hitting a teacher or school staff member. How about an adult in general? What happened to teaching our children to respect themselves and others? I look at parents at times and ask them directly why they believe that it is ok to teach their kids that the only way to resolve a problem is with verbal and physical aggression or violence? And, what happened to the community that raised all the kids? The parents in my old neighborhood were ALL of our parents and would discipline us along with our parents. Yet, some parents that I am observing are either upset when other parents intervene or attempt to fight the other parents themselves for intruding upon their child’s rights. 

Discipline

• Stop being scared of your kids and discipline them.
• Discipline does not begin when kids are in middle school.
• You discipline them early!
• You are raising adults, not babies.
• It is legal to spank your child if you choose to do so. No you cannot beat them. There is a difference folks.

Learned Behavior
I am a Behaviorist. There is a lot of research about anger in children (and adults). Anger is a learned behavior from my theological perspective, and it is modeled to children. Learning to express anger inappropriate can be learned from parents and others within a child’s environment. There have been times that I have validated kid's feelings by telling them that their anger is justified. Anger is a normal reaction. We all get angry. Many children have learned to be reactive while angry, and have bee supported for that type of behavior which allows them to feel as if it is acceptable. It’s not. It is a disservice to teach children ways to inappropriately manage their anger. Replacing that anger with healthier ways to respond in while angry is the best course of action not just for the current situation, but for a lifetime. Angry children will grow up to become angry adults who teach their own future children the same lessons, and the cycle continues.

How to Overcome Anger
The process begins with acknowledging that your child is angry. It is perfectly fine to admit that the anger and consequences of that emotion are causing challenges within your family’s daily life. One of the largest issues that I have observed amongst families dealing with anger children is not knowing what to do about it. Angry children can be challenging but not impossible to work with to improve their emotional regulation, functioning, and behavior. Each child is different, including their plight, and it is important to remember to ask a lot of questions about anger management to the professional designated to treat your child’s symptoms. 

​In choosing a therapeutic professional, make sure that person’s specialties match your child’s needs. For example, choose a therapist whose specialties and therapeutic skills are well-matched with anger management. More than likely, your angry child would also benefit from a behaviorist which is someone who can help to create a behavior plan for your child at school or to consult with you to address the management of your child’s behavior, even at home. The most important issue, however, is

Do not to give up on your child.

Early intervention is a must! As children learn and grow, their behaviors tend to improve. Try not to wait to receive assistance or deny that outside help is needed. That is a common mistake because the earlier you intervene with a child’s academic and/or emotional stability, the better the outcome.

Parents, I want you to make sure that you actively participate in your child’s treatment plan and all Individualized Education Plan (IEP) meetings and services if your child has an IEP. Read your documentation and legal forms, and make sure that you understand what will happen to your child and the outcome. What I do not appreciate, is when some parents solely rely on the schools and other professionals to guide the course of treatment without your input, participation, and questions. You… must know the treatment, and comprehend those treatments for your child. Your therapist will encourage you to participate. Please do so.

Finally, I highly recommend Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for angry children (and adults) and parent training. CBT is an empirically validated treatment for many types of mental illness, but works to improve disruptive behavior patterns, targeting emotional regulations, and social-problem solving. Resolving anger in children needs that tri-pattern approach to treatment and yes, parenting training is also a part of that transdiagnostic approach. Also, look at Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I have recommended this for some children as well. I am a fan of the technique for explosive children and adults.

How Does a Discussion About Angry Child Correlate with Nebulous Children?
As I observe an increase in the number of angry children, I also hear about them discuss being able to see ghosts. Child L is a Nebulous Child. It is as simple as that, and those same children told me that ghosts have told them to do harm to others or will not leave them alone. Child L has this story and is angry. Child L is not the first child with both challenges. Is there a correlation? I think so. Do I have proof? Not empirically. However, do you have proof that these visions of ghosts are NOT causing these kids to be angry? 

Probably not.

But, I do welcome your opinion.